


Favourable Bachelor

by durgasdragon



Series: Favourable Bachelor Series [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-05
Updated: 2011-01-15
Packaged: 2017-10-14 10:50:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 26
Words: 38,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/148452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/durgasdragon/pseuds/durgasdragon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Iruka suddenly finds he’s Konoha’s most eligible bachelor—whether he wants to be or not—and he makes the mistake of involving one jounin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Posting story here now

  
  
**Favourable Bachelor**   
  


_Disclaimer: This is a purely fan-made piece that is using the world and characters from Masashi Kishimoto’s_ Naruto _and is made entirely for enjoyment. No financial gain has been made in the making of this piece_

 _Summery: Iruka suddenly finds he’s Konoha’s most eligible bachelor—whether he wants to be or not—and he makes the mistake of involving one jounin_

 _Author’s Note: Possible out-of-characterness, swearing and other foul language, discrimination, abuse, and things like that._

 _Constructive Criticism is always welcomed_

 _Published: 13 September 2007_

 _Rating: T_

 

“Since when is this MY FAULT?!”

“The destruction is getting out of hand!”

“I still don’t see why this is MY FAULT!”

Raidou sighed. “If you would just go out with one of them, this wouldn’t be a problem—”

“I am NOT dating _any_ of them! I’ve told them all _numerous_ times that I’m not interested in ANY of them!” Iruka looked like he was going to have an apoplexy right there.

“I am NOT going to be filling out Incidence Reports for the rest of my life just because you can’t tell some kunoichis that your affections fall elsewhere!” Izumo snapped and Kotetsu nodded in agreement.

“I’ve TOLD them millions of times! And I’m the one who usually ends up filling out those reports because _you_ refuse to do anything that involves them!” The artery in Iruka’s forehead throbbed dangerously. “And it’s NOT _MY_ FAULT that they can’t listen to what I say! It is NOT _MY FAULT_ that they think that having a war over me is going to win my affections!”

“Have you considered getting a girlfriend? Somebody who isn’t one of those three?” Raidou asked, rubbing his forehead.

“No good.” Kotetsu said. “They’d kill whatever girl it was for getting in the way.”

“Unless she was higher ranking than them or scarier.” Izumo tapped his chin thoughtfully. “I hear that Tsume-san is looking—”

Iruka’s kunai scraped his head. Izumo cringed as he fingered the damage to his bandana. If he hadn’t ducked, he would now be sporting a lovely new addition—one that sprouted from the middle of his forehead. He’d forgotten how good Iruka’s aim and speed became when he was angry. Clearly, the idea of dating the Inuzuka was a no-go with the scar-faced chunin.

“The idea isn’t half-bad.” Kotetsu pointed out. “If those kunoichis are any indication, I bet it’d be easy to get a girl who would be interested in dating you, and if you got a possessive one, the three of them would have to back off.”

“That, or they’d kill her.”

“They might just torment her. I mean, we _are_ talking about—”

“If you all don’t get out of my sight within the next ten seconds,” Iruka said in a tone of voice that his students knew meant that he was going to do something unspeakably _awful_ to them if they didn’t get out of there _right NOW_. “I’m going to be forced to do something to you that your future girlfriends will not approve of.”

“Um, right. Think about it?” Kotetsu said before bolting, a box of staples with an exploding tag attached to it flying at him. Raidou and Izumo barely got the door shut before it blew up, sending staples rocketing out to mix with the shrapnel of the former door.

Iruka let his head hit the desk and contemplated smashing his head against the wooden surface until he was blissfully, blissfully unconscious. The only problem with that would be his co-workers would be heartless enough to bring him to the hospital and that would mean that Those Kunoichis would find out and then They’d follow him there and smother him with all sorts of terrible things that might have—at one point—been romantic and thoughtful, but had lost much of the niceness due to the violence that it would be delivered with. He was sick of bruises from chocolate boxes, welts from flower stems, and having his eardrums pierced by shrill parodies of love songs.

And that only was if one of Them was in the room. If more then one was there…well, he had seen some serious carnage in his day, but it was nothing compared to the bloodbath that resulted when Those Kunoichis fought for his attention. This said nothing about the states of thing when they decided to pull the passive-aggressive cards out.

Iruka had never thought himself a bad person. A bit overlooked, perhaps, but reliable and caring and good, in general. He never forgot to light candles for the spirits or his ancestors—heck, he even left incense on random days, just for the sake of leaving some for his parents. He had yet to forget any important holiday, birthday, event, party, name, or gift. He’d never failed a child who didn’t deserve it and he only held grudges when the situation called for it.

He wished he knew what he had done to make the gods _hate_ him so utterly. He couldn’t think of anything. Even the most despicable person didn’t deserve this!

He sighed and looked at the door. He’d probably pay for a new one out of pocket on principle. _He_ didn’t just destroy things and expect them to magically fix themselves. With the current rate that things were going, he was going to go broke faster than if he promised to buy Naruto as much ramen as he wanted for the next month.

Grumbling to himself, Iruka grabbed a 15-2p Incident Report form (the no-injuries, no-major structural damage, no-enemy, no-civilian damage involvement report). The sooner he finished that, the sooner he could go hide somewhere quiet to grade his students’ workbooks. He normally was very punctual with his grading, but things recently had been a bit…stressful for him, to say the least, and finding time and space away from Them was getting harder and harder every day.

Even using variations of Naruto’s Sexy-no-jutsu wasn’t working any more. He was starting to get desperate enough that Izumo’s suggestion of dating Inuzuka Tsume was beginning to look good—even if she was way too old for him and way more into the BDSM stuff than Iruka would ever be. He didn’t mind a bit of simple bondage, but he wasn’t like Ebisu (who would deny it wildly in public) and didn’t really enjoy anything that got too much passed that. He’d tried it once, and the experience had been…less than pleasant, to put mildly.

“Ooooooooh IRUKA-CHAN!”

Iruka didn’t even freeze any more at that voice. Freezing—he had learned—led to valuable time being lost. He grabbed his bag, stuffed the report he’d been working on into it, and launched himself out of the window with a speed that would have had Gai turning greener than his unitard and loudly praising Iruka’s Youthfulness.

As he rocketed across the roofs, he spotted another one and knew he wasn’t going to get any papers graded tonight.

He pushed more chakra into his legs to help him go faster and wondered if Naruto would ever forgive him when he became an insane missing ninja.


	2. Chapter 2

Iruka glared at the pale blue eye that looked at him, a hint of curiosity in the normally bored depths. The bushy head tilted slightly. “You’re that chunin from the Mission Room, aren’t you? The one that babied Naruto?”

Iruka gritted his teeth together tightly and decided to ignore the other. He returned prying the kunai he had hidden in sleeve (he’d never been so thankful in his life for that weird habit that his sensei had insisted on beating into his brain so long ago, but he never thought it would have its uses outside of the classroom) out so he could cut himself loose enough to start on working on the jutsu that held him trapped in the wire-sharp string.

The jounin watched him struggle and made no offer to help—not that Iruka would have accepted it, but it was the _principle_ of the matter. If you saw a fellow ninja in trouble, you offered to help, and you didn’t just sit back and stare at them. Iruka resolved to give Hatake the next mission that involved something terrible—like rotting bananas and potatos and children who like to throw things. It’d serve him right, too.

He had just gotten the kunai and freed half of one arm when he heard a dreaded noise. “Iruka-sensei! Oh, Iruka-sensei!”

Disregarding the jounin who looked slightly confused and amused, Iruka instantly changed himself into a common house spider that was busily spinning a web. He could only pray that Hatake would use that genius he was rumoured to have and _not_ say anything.

Shizune hurried into view, eyes darting as she scanned the area. She almost stopped at Hatake, but decided against it at the last moment. Iruka mentally signed a huge sigh of relief when she vanished from his sight and her chakra disappeared.

He returned to normal, panting—damn fucking jutsu, making it next to impossible to use his chakra—and worked one hand free. Maybe it was just him, but these traps were getting harder and harder to escape from. The only good that could come from that would be that no child would EVER be able to ensnare him again—if he survived long enough for that, of course.

“That’s quite a trap.” Hatake said conversationally. Iruka pointedly ignored him. If the jounin wasn’t going to offer some form of assistance, he wasn’t going to be worth Iruka’s time. Instead, Iruka focused on cutting that last little bit of chakra string that him bound…

Yes! Hands were free enough that he could work on the jutsu that was holding him upside-down and slowing his chakra down. Getting out of the string would be much easier when all his blood wasn’t pooling in the top of his skull, Iruka decided.

Hatake watched, looking more and more interested as Iruka worked his way through the jutsu. He didn’t say anything more, and Iruka was grateful that the man had at least enough brains to let him work through this in silence. At any rate, it was the only thing that recently had gone his way in over a month.

He had three more signs to go and then everything went to hell in a hand basket.

“IRUKA-CHAN!”

Iruka let a noise that was reminiscent of dying mouse stuck in a helium balloon as Anko launched something similar to a flying tackle at him and smashed into him, hanging on like a lamprey. Iruka could feel the chakra in the strings strain at their combined weight.

“Ha! I caught you this time, Iruka-chan!” Anko babbled much in the same way when she found a coupon for dango, causing the string to bounce dangerously. “D’ja like the changes I’ve made to that trap you taught me? I’m so glad that I got here before that cow did—did you know that she paid that man down the street to burn my dango every time? Or that she put wood glue in my shampoo and milk?” Iruka flailed wildly—as much as he could, that is, being he was almost entirely entangled in string. Anko held on tighter and continued loudly. “I totally got her back for it, though! Wait until she sees what I bribed her neighbours into doing! And you never would guess what I did to that purple-haired freak for sticking that infestation of squirrels in under my sink or that dead skunk in my closet or for stealing my missions and for switching up your schedule like that so I didn’t get to see you!”

“Anko-san,” Hatake said dryly, his face bored again. “I’m hoping that ‘purple-haired freak’ you’re referring to isn’t Yugao-kun.”

“That _whore_ is trying to steal _my_ man!” Anko snapped, happy attitude gone. She didn’t seem to care that she was mouthing off to Sharingan Kakashi himself.

“I am NOT your man!” Iruka said loudly. “And I’ll _never_ be—mhpfffuuuuuuuhhh!”

Anko condescendingly patted Iruka’s cheek, ignoring his Death Glare. “Isn’t he adorable?” She asked the jounin as Iruka tried to spit out the glove she had stuffed in his mouth. “Can’t have those other bitches know he’s here.” She told Kakashi secretively. “They’ll just try to steal him away again.” Iruka dropped a kunai from his sleeve and missed Anko’s foot. She just laughed and patted him again, hand creeping too close to places they _shouldn’t_ before he managed to buck it off. “He’s so _feisty_!”

Iruka snarled around the glove and resolved that he was done with trying to give out terrible missions to Those Damn Kunoichis (well, all but one; that one didn’t take missions from him any more—not since the Kappa incident) and now he was just going to find the longest mission that would take him the farthest away from EVERYONE, but _particularly_ Those Damn Kunoichis! He had heard that the mosquitoes in the Rain Country weren’t too _terribly_ bad…

He finally managed to spit out the glove and opened his mouth to do a terribly un-ninjaish thing when a startled gasp made him cringe.

“Iruka-sensei!”

Iruka began to struggle in earnest as Shizune came running up. “What are you doing to Iruka-sensei!” She cried, chakra subtly gathering around her.

“I don’t need your help! Leave me alone!” Iruka yelled, but he got the feeling the only one listening to him was Hatake.

“Back off, bitch!” Anko snarled at Shizune. “I caught him fair and square and he’s _mine_!”

“I am NOT something to be owned!”

“How low can you get!” Shizune exclaimed angrily. “He’s told you numerous times that he’s not interested in you!”

“I’m not interested in ANY of you!”

“What, and you think a subservient, spastic, mousy thing like yourself is his type?” Anko sneered cruelly. “Face it, you don’t have what it takes to be Iruka-chan’s lover.”

“NONE of you are ‘my type’! NONE of you have ‘what it takes’!”

“How much do you think Jiraiya would pay for me to take notes on this scene?” Hatake asked Iruka causally as Shizune and Anko started to argue in earnest. “Or I could write him and have him come here and experience it himself. I think that would be worth at least a ticket to the premiere of the next movie, don’t you?”

“Ufhgh!” was all Iruka could say because Anko had started squeezing him for emphasis. He decided that rotten bananas, potatoes, and children were too good for Hatake. He also decided that the Rain country was too close. The Bear country or the Snow country might be far enough away…

The Honey country sounded good and the travel time one way alone would take a week or two. He’d put a request in for that as soon as he got out of here and have Izumo give Hatake a mission that involved decaying goats, chocolate-covered clams, ragweed pollen, and really, _really_ old naked ninjas. See how he liked that!

Iruka’s eyes suddenly widened. Yugao had just dropped from a nearby roof, screaming about nobody untying Iruka. Anko threw a snake at her and told her do something that was not appropriate for young ears to hear.

If Yugao was here, it was only a matter of time before things got _really_ ugly. As he was still tied up, he wasn’t sure he would be able to escape the carnage that was about to take place.

Unless…

Iruka swiftly finished the last three hand signs. He smirked slightly to himself. See if Hatake just sat around next time without offering to help.

Before Hatake knew what had hit him, Iruka used the body replacement jutsu and swapped places with the jounin, causing the trap’s jutsu to reset. He swiftly henged himself to look like Hatake and Hatake to look like him before he slowly slouched off in the same manner he had seen the Copy Ninja do hundreds of times before.

He didn’t drop the henge and start running until he was a good five blocks from the scene.

He wondered how long it would take before Anko noticed that she was groping the wrong guy.


	3. Chapter 3

Kakashi slid next to Genma and Kurenai, casually nodding to them and listening to them gossip for a little bit before he started asking questions. “Who’s that pony-tailed chunin that works in the mission room? The one with the scar and who mollycoddled Naruto?”

“Do you mean Iruka-sensei?” Genma asked, flipping his senbon to the other side of his mouth. “He’s the one that spoke out against you for nominating your team for the Chunin exams.”

“Yes, that’s the one. Why does he have so many women after him?”

Kurenai laughed. “Because those three’s biological clocks suddenly starting ticking and they realised what a good catch he is. I mean, he’s responsible, good with kids, has great sense of humour, can cook, and has an absolutely _terrific_ ass. What’s there _not_ to like?”

“His temper, for one.” Genma smirked slightly. “You’d think they’ve been on the receiving end enough that they would know better.”

“Nah, I know for a fact that Anko-kun thinks it’s cute and Yugao-san likes the fact that while she still can take care of him, he’s got enough fire that he’ll stand up to her.” She took a small sip from her mug. “I don’t know what Shizune-san thinks about it, but I’m sure she’s used to it by now.”

“I’m half-way sad that those kunoichis do all the dirty work here.” Genma chuckled as he sucked on his senbon. “When those three started, I was really looking forwards to seeing Iruka-sensei in action.”

“Oh, didn’t you know?” Kurenai’s red eyes gleamed in excitement over the bit of gossip. “He made sure that Anko-kun got the Noodle Mission and that Shizune-san got that mission with that Kappa to make them back off.”

“No shit! He’s really the reason why Anko-san can’t look at pasta without screaming and trying to kill things?” He looked impressed. “Is he also the reason why Yugao-san hates rabbits now?”

Kurenai giggled—a truly frightening experience. “He gave her a mission with the Nichols rabbits.”

“Whoa. Now, that’s just cold. Cure or no, that’s not nice.”

“And that’s not all he’s done. Remember that day that Gai-san was going about challenging all the kunoichis in the area and got into that huge contest with Anko over who could wear underwear better?”

“Thank you _so_ much for bring that memory back up. I had happily repressed all thoughts of Gai running around town in that hideous lacy green g-string and his leg warmers, but now, because of you, I can _still_ remember him yelling that his Youthfulness and Prettiness would be a match for any of Konoha’s Lovely Flowers any day. _Why_ did you have to remind me?”

“Well, Iruka-sensei told him that only a truly strong and accomplished man would be able to challenge a woman on a contest of her choice and win. It was just our bad luck that it was Anko-kun who came in at that point and not Shizune-san.”

“ _Iruka-sensei_ was the one behind that?”

“Most definitely. But did it ever make Anko-kun bitchy! She had been planning to go harass Iruka-sensei some more and by the time she had gotten rid of Gai-san, Shizune-san was trying to flirt with Iruka. He’s also the reason why Yugao-san was spotty earlier.”

“He’s really learned some subtleties.” Genma sounded admiring. “Is he also the reason for all the sake and slot machines that keep getting delivered to the Hokage’s office?”

“Oh, I’m sure of it.” Kurenai just seemed to notice that Kakashi was still standing next to them. “Is there anything else that you wanted, Kakashi-san?”

“His address.”

“Pardon me?”

“I’d like Iruka-sensei’s address.”

“Why?” Kurenai asked defensively. Kakashi frowned mentally, then he remembered that before Kurenai’s promotion to jounin, she had been an instructor at the Academy, thus probably had a friendship with the scarred chunin.

“He dragged me into the middle of one of those fights and left me there.” Kakashi said blandly. “Anko-san groped me.”

“That doesn’t sound like Iruka-sensei.” Genma frowned and Kurenai nodded in agreement. “What did you do to him?”

“What?”

“Iruka would never do something like that unless he had a very good reason to do so.” Kurenai folded her arms under her breasts, mug dangling at her side. “So spill; what did you do to him?”

Kakashi arched his eyebrow slightly. “I didn’t do anything to him.”

Kurenai narrowed her red eyes. “So he just randomly grabbed you and used you as a shield?”

“More or less, yes.”

The two ninjas regarded him suspiciously for a moment. Kurenai finally sniffed. “I’m not selling out Iruka because I don’t think you’re telling the whole truth. You figure it out for yourself. After all, you’re the great Copy Ninja.” She added, a bit snidely.

A quick glance at Genma said that the bandannaed ninja was in agreement with the kunoichi. Kakashi shrugged carelessly. “Hmm.”

Genma and Kurenai watched him slouch away. “I’m going to go talk to Iruka-sensei,” Kurenai said quietly. “You want to go see if you can’t get those harpies out of the way for a bit?”

“Yeah, I’ll see what I can do.” Genma bit hard on the thin bit of metal. “I don’t like this, not one bit.”

“You and me both.” Kurenai replied before bounding off.

She needed to warn Iruka before things got even more out of control.


	4. Chapter 4

It was peaceful around him and Iruka cherished it. Moments like this were getting farther and farther apart in his life.

Of course, he knew it couldn’t last.

His scar on his back twinged slightly, but he already knew. “If you’ve come to kill me,” he said, not looking up from his sorting, “please do it quickly and cleanly and tell Naruto that I died a good death.”

He didn’t hear Hatake move, but he felt the Copy Ninja inches away from his back a moment later. “Now why would I want to kill you, Iruka- _sensei_?” The voice drawled, too close to Iruka’s ear to be comfortable or polite.

Iruka didn’t look up. He wasn’t going to let Hatake’s intimidation tactics get to him. “I do believe that you have a right to want some form of retribution, Hatake-sam—”

The kunai lightly pressed to his artery before he had even finished saying the respectful title. His hands froze for a moment before he forced them to go back to the sorting.

“Don’t ever call me that.” Hatake sounded bored, but years of teaching let Iruka hear the tight pained undertone.

Doing his best to ignore the cold steel that was threatening to do more than press into his skin, Iruka concentrated on keeping his posture and voice calm. “I am sorry, Hatake-san. I didn’t mean to offend you.”

The weapon remained there a moment more—as a warning, Iruka was sure—before vanishing. Iruka wanted to let out a breath of relief, but that would be letting Hatake know that he was nervous. He wasn’t going to give the jounin the satisfaction. They both knew that Hatake had the upper hand and did have the right in the matter, but Iruka wasn’t going to let a few intimidation tactics get to him. Or if they did, he wasn’t going to let it show.

There was a silence, filled only by Iruka shuffling papers around. Finally getting frustrated with the jounin’s mind games, Iruka carefully put the stack down and mentally braced himself for the violence that would invariably follow. “If you are not here to kill me or exact your revenge, I am going to ask you to leave, as I still have a lot to do.”

“I don’t think you’re really in a place to be asking for anything, now are you?” Hatake said, voice still too close to be proper. “Being that you’re the one who set me up and all.”

Iruka bit back the words ‘you deserved it, you smug arrogant fuck-head!’ “Then do what you have to do. I still have too much to do and since I haven’t seen any females for fifteen minutes, I’m running on borrowed time. I would like to get as much done as possible before I have to go and get another one of our esteemed jounin out for my blood.”

“My, my, _Sensei_. What if what I want can’t be done here right now?”

Iruka felt his eyebrow twitch and his artery pulse before he managed to control his face. “Pray, then, what would be a better location and time?” He managed to get out and felt proud that it came out almost bored and not with a hint of gritted teeth.

He could hear Hatake pretend to think about it. “I think about seven thirty tonight outside of Ryou’s would be better.”

“Ryou’s? That new and very expensive restaurant across from the booksellers?”

“You pay.”

“You want _free food_?” In his surprise, the words came out of Iruka’s mouth before he could stop them.

“I want _favours_ from you.” The jounin corrected, making the phrase sound dirtier than it really was. Iruka wondered how fast a recently castrated ninja could move. “And I’ve wanted to see if Ryou’s is worth the fuss. And I’m out of edible food.” Hatake added, almost in afterthought.

“What sort of favours?”

“Now, now, Iruka- _sensei_ ”—the suffix was breathed across Iruka’s ear—“you needn’t sound so suspicious.”

“I think I have every right to be apprehensive.” Elite ninjas _were_ trained to continue, even when faced with grievous injuries. Still, castration might buy him a few more seconds then if, say, he went for the liver or the lungs. Lot of sensitive stuff down there. “My current record with life does not allow me to let people have the benefit of the doubt.”

A low chuckle surprised him, interrupting his calculations of speed and distance needed to outrun Hatake if it did come down to drastic measures. “A very true point indeed, _Sensei_.” Hatake said, giving Iruka some space, _finally_. “Favours would be things like meals, food, getting my copy of the new Icha Icha book when it comes out, taking care of my pets when I’m out, things like that.”

“For how long?”

“My, my, my, Iruka- _sensei_ , aren’t we a little paranoid. Don’t you trust me?”

“ _No_.”

The low chuckle rumbled through the air again. “For as long as I find it necessary.”

“A week.” He said, as he turned to glare at the man who was slouched against the blackboard.

The pale visible eyebrow arched slightly. “You’re telling me that you’re only going to do it for a week?”

“I refuse to be suckered into becoming your slave forever just because I didn’t think to set an end date.

The eyebrow curved lazily. “I think six months sound fair.”

Iruka’s eyes narrowed. “You’re not getting more than three weeks out of me.”

“Anko-san groped me. A couple of times, in fact.”

“Fine, five weeks, then.”

“Do you really think you’re in a position to be demanding anything?” Hatake asked indolently. He causally leaned back.

“Don’t.” Iruka snarled. “I’m losing my patience, and I’d rather not get into a fight and get blood all over my classroom. I can make Kurenai-sensei think you’re trying to steal Asuma-san from her and she can make your life a living _hell_. You get five weeks of these ‘favours’ from me, and that’s _it_.”

Hatake regarded him darkly for a moment. Iruka glared harder. He wasn’t going to guilted or bullied into more than what was fair. He was being _more_ than generous with his terms and Hatake could _shove it_ for all he cared!

Hatake’s eye suddenly crinkled into a happy arch. “Five weeks it is, then. Seven-thirty tonight! Wear something nice! Don’t be late!”

And then he was gone and Iruka was left with a headache and an impending sense of doom.


	5. Chapter 5

Hatake had, of course, picked the one restaurant in Konoha that had a dress code that went beyond ‘Blood or butts equals no business’. No, Ryou’s politely asked (read: demanded) that all of its patrons be attired in clothing that fell just shy of being extremely formal.

Iruka arrived at the restaurant just moments before he was supposed to be there, hot, damp, and itchy. He had spent over an hour digging through his closet for something that would pass the standards at Ryou’s and finally had found something that he could wear and not get kicked out—after he shook all the dust out and hid all the weapons he could in it.

After all that, he barely had enough time to wash all of the dust off of himself before he quickly dressed and yanked his still soaking hair into a low ponytail. He couldn’t jump across roofs dressed like that, so he was forced to hurry along the street and put up with all the stares and catcalls.

Jerk-offs. They acted like they had never seen a man in formal wear before.

As he waited for Hatake to get his sorry—and _late_ —ass over to the restaurant, he wondered how much he could get away with in making the other miserable before Hatake tried to kill him. It was only fair, after all.

“Well _Sensei_ , you’re lucky that none of your girlfriends can see you right now.” A familiar voice drawled in Iruka’s ear just as his scar twitched. Iruka resisted the urge to punch the older man and give him a lecture on personal space. “Forest green suits you well.”

“You’re _late_.” Iruka snapped, still resisting the urge to pummel Hatake. “And they are _not_ my girlfriends!”

“I was planning a hunting expedition.” The words slid passed his ear and Iruka mentally noted the date, time, and location of all the bystanders. If Hatake didn’t knock off this shit off, Iruka was going to nail him for sexual harassment or sexual intimidation or general indecency or whatever the hell he could hit the other man with that was bad, would put a black mark on the jounin’s record, and involved lots of long, drawn-out piles of paperwork.

There was something to be said for bureaucracy.

“Whatever you say. Let’s get this over with.” Iruka started towards the restaurant. The sooner he got into that restaurant, the sooner he could leave that stupid, infuriating jounin behind.

Hatake trailed after him like a badly trained puppy. “Now, now, _Sensei_ ,” he sounded amused, “you don’t need to treat this like a trip to the dentist’s. I know that I’m more fun than pulling teeth.”

“I’m sure.” Iruka muttered, sarcastically.

“And I think it’s proper etiquette to return the compliment.”

He decided not to argue semantics on what constituted a compliment. “As you didn’t see fit to walk up to me like a normal, polite human being and thus I haven’t seen you yet, I highly doubt that—” He stopped cold.

Hatake’s brightly arched eye and covered face suddenly was a mere hairsbreadth away from Iruka’s own. “How careless of me.” The words were close enough that Iruka could feel the faint stirring of air they made. “And while compliments don’t necessarily need to be about physical details, I’d love to hear your thoughts on the matter.”

Unrattled image be damned! Iruka took a step back, angry. Hatake had _really_ crossed the lines for what was appropriate and what was not.

Hatake grinned some more and held his arms out slightly, showcasing the dark blue material that had an occasional thin strand of shimmery white thread shot through it. “Well, _Sensei_?”

“You look less like a lazy lout.” Iruka snapped and sidestepped the slightly taller man.

He caught a glimpse of a wide beaming curve of the exposed eye. “Why, thank you!” The Copy Ninja appeared next to him, keeping up with his brisk stride. “And that was an impressive display of alliteration and assonance, Sensei.”

“…Thank you.” Iruka said stiffly as he pushed open the door. He just wanted the evening to be done.

A quick look at the menu and Iruka began to count how many recipes he knew that involved rice and beans, because that’s all he was going to be able to eat in the coming weeks with prices like these.

He scanned the flowery language for something cheap. If he was going to pay, he might as well make sure that he wasn’t going to have to live on rice and beans for a year instead of a month. And knowing Hatake, he was going to order the most expensive thing he could find.

As if to prove his point, Hatake immediately ordered a very good and very well-known (and _very_ pricey) bottle of sake when the pretty young waitress came with the almond-scented clothes for their hands. Iruka mentally subtracted fresh coffee from his groceries list; he’d have to make due with the coffee that lived in the staff room for a little bit.

The jounin looked positively insulted when Iruka tried to wave aside the cup that Kakashi poured for him. “Don’t you trust my taste in sake?”

“I have no doubts of its quality.” Iruka replied shortly. “But I have seen how you jounin drink and I am not going to get plastered. I have classes tomorrow.”

Hatake had the gall to laugh at him. “I didn’t ask you to join me for drinks; really, _Sensei_ , I’m not trying to get you drunk this time”—Iruka _really_ didn’t like the modifier added there; it was as if Kakashi was planning to get him drunk in the future—“and I’m only giving you one cup. I doubt that even you are such a light drinker that would affect you.”

Deciding that his peace of mind was more important than winning a battle of wills with an idiot, Iruka glared hard and held out his hand. The urge to clout the jounin was back again.

The smile that Hatake wore was too cheerful and too self-satisfied. Iruka tried to ignore it as he carefully sipped the sake. The flavour slid over his tongue like flaming silk and he resisted the urge to shut his eyes in sheer pleasure. This sake was at least fifty steps above what he normally drank. For a brief moment, he thought it might actually be worth the exorbitant price.

“Did it measure up to your expectations, _Sensei_?”

Iruka put his cup down precisely. “It will do.” He returned to his menu.

Hatake burst into laughter again, shaking his head. Iruka braced himself for an insult or snide comment, but none came. Hatake only busied himself with the menu, chuckling to himself.

Iruka had finally found the cheapest things he could on the menu by the time the pretty young waitress came back. “I would like the hiyayakko and miso soup to start with, if you please, and I would like to have the kaiso salad and tamago, please.” He smiled at her and tried not to think about rice and beans.

Hatake officially shot that down when he ordered his meal. “The kama hama and miso soup to start and then I’d like the chirashi. With extra ginger.”

Iruka mentally sighed. At least what Hatake ordered wasn’t the most expensive things on the menu, only the second and third most. He removed his afternoon tea from his grocery list and rationed his evening tea.

“I do believe that people converse when they are having dinner together, _Sensei_.” Hatake said a few moments later, refilling both cups.

“Most people also have dinner together to enjoy the other’s company, Hatake-san.”

“Kakashi,” the masked man cheerfully corrected him. “No need to be so formal. Are you saying that you’re not enjoying my company?”

“I was simply making an observation.”

“You wound me, _Sensei_. I’m enjoying yours.” Iruka was pretty sure the other leered at him at this point and he abandoned his diminishing grocery list to return to his calculations of how fast a recently castrated ninja could move.

“I think it has less to do with me and more to do with the free food.” Iruka said, mentally throwing in the variable of being in formal dress instead of the usual uniform.

“Oh, but _Sensei_ , if I was only after the food, don’t you think that I’d simply demand that you find some way to bring me the food from here?”

Iruka felt the artery in his forehead twitch as his eyes narrowed.

Hatake was saved by the waitress bringing the first course. Iruka settled down for plotting more revenge on the Copy Ninja over his soup. While he knew it was probably a bad idea to get even further on to the jounin’s bad side, it felt nice to think of ways he could make life just a little bit worse.

The food was good—almost divine, if Iruka was feeling honest. To keep himself from thinking too many good thoughts about the food, he kept repeating his tiny grocery list in his head. It also helped him from punching Hatake or doing some equally bad.

Hatake also ordered some watermelon ice for himself at the end and Iruka wondered which he needed more—clean clothing or food—because he certainly was not going to be able to afford both in the coming days.

Iruka nearly screamed when Hatake insisted that they walk some of the dinner off. All he wanted to do was go home and wallow in his new-found poverty in peace. That, and nurse some water and electrolytes. The sake had been _very_ good and Iruka knew he had drunk more than was entirely wise.

Finally, _finally_ Hatake seemed to have enough of torturing Iruka for the night and Iruka felt a short-lived flash of gratitude.

“What, no good night kiss?”

A very, very, _very_ short-lived flash of gratitude.

He nearly choked and knew that he had made an indignant noise before he could stop himself.

Hatake’s amusement seemed to have grown. “Or do you wait until the third date so no-one thinks you’re easy, _Sensei_?”

Iruka blamed his next move on the alcohol.

Unable to resist the urge any more, he snarled “good _night_!”, punched Hatake’s smirking face, and ran off.

He’d fill out the 15-2g Incident Report form in the morning.


	6. Chapter 6

Iruka scowled hard at his bank statement. He _knew_ he didn’t have that much money in his account, yet no matter how many times he asked the bank, they kept insisting it was accurate. The sales slips he had from all of Kakashi’s excursions had all magically vanished (he had ripped apart every file in his filing cabinet to see if someone had misplaced them), so he couldn’t show the bank that there was no way that he had that much money.

He knew he shouldn’t be surprised, with the way things kept going. He was being harassed by his friends at work, harassed by children during classes, harassed by horny and crazy kunoichis whenever he was spotted, and harassed by Hatake all the time in between.

He almost thought Hatake was following him. The man was _always_ there, grinning that stupid one-eyed grin of his and Iruka would be forced to go along with whatever new thing had struck the jounin’s fancy. So far, the count was at two indigestion-inducingly bad movies (whoever thought that the Icha Icha series ought to be made into movies should be forced to spend the rest of their life cleaning public bathrooms in parks with angry hippos chasing them in between restrooms), four trips to the bookstore (which wasn’t too terribly awful; he could put some distance in between them then), three torturous shopping trips (which Hatake spend the entire time flicking things at Iruka’s ponytail), and five meals, all in the course of seven days (he was proud to say he only punched Hatake fifteen times; he filled out a report each time). Hatake also was hinting at some cleaning he wanted to get done, but Iruka kept praying that it would never come down to that (Kakashi also would mutter something about a short frilly apron and French maids and then leer at Iruka, but Iruka was determinedly _not_ thinking about it).

It didn’t help that people seemed to notice him more when Hatake was bent on being as frustrating as possible. More whispers and giggles seemed to be following him these days and it couldn’t be because Yugao had pasted photo-shopped pictures of the two of them in wedding gear on the fronts of all of the billboards that Anko had defaced with marriage proposals or the fact that Shizune had let Tsunade go out boozing in exchange for an afternoon of fluttering her eyelashes at Iruka. He’d have to hunt down Kurenai later and see if there was some gossip that he was missing—once he got rid of Champaign stains from where Anko had spilled it all over him and scoured his apartment (Shizune had gotten the bright idea that if she _showed_ Iruka what a good wife she would make, he’d fall into her arms; unfortunately, Yugao had the same idea and now Iruka’s apartment was one report short of being condemned).

He was enjoying some tea in the teacher’s lounge he had managed to con off of Suzume and happily munching on some cookies he had confiscated—something that was NOT rice or beans and NOT three weeks old, multi-coloured, and thicker then sludge—before his shift in the Mission Room when the scar on his back wrenched. Glancing up, he saw Genma, Raidou, Kotetsu, and Izumo all standing in the doorway, grinning too widely.

He had sudden urge to be anywhere other than here.

“I’m glad that you took our advice!” Kotetsu said as Raidou sniggered.

“What advice?”

“The dating advice!” Izumo put in, unable to contain his laughter any more.

Iruka stared at them. “I don’t know what you all are talking about.” He took a sip and plotted escape— _with_ the tea and cookies.

“Don’t worry; you don’t have to pretend with us.” Kotetsu smirked. “It’s not like we’re going to run and tell every village about this.”

“You know, when he asked for your address, I didn’t think it’d lead to _this_!”

“If you’re not going to talk sense, I’m not going to talk to you.”

“Oh, stop being so coy! Give us the details! Whatever made you decide to go the route you did? And—more importantly—is he any good?” Genma leaned over the table, senbon twitching.

Iruka looked blankly at the small cluster of people who he was thinking he was going to turn into a cluster of former friends that lived in under his floorboards in much smaller pieces than they were in now. “What the hell? Is who good at what?”

Raidou laughed louder as Kotetsu and Izumo waggled their eyebrows. “You know, Sharigan Kakashi! Your new boyfriend!” Genma said gleefully.

Iruka spat out his tea. “ _ **WHAT?!**_ ”

xXxXxXxXxXx

Kakashi wanted to slouch past the cluster of jounin, but Asuma had spotted him and called him over. “Kakashi-san! You’ve been holding out on us! When did you start dating Iruka-sensei?”

Kakashi glanced around the circle; everyone was watching him expectantly—hell, even _Shikaku Nara_ looked mildly interested. “How’s Kurenai-san?”

“Nice try, Hatake!” Tsume barked out cheerfully. “ _Everyone’s_ seen you on the town with that cutie. What’dja say to get that hot ass to go out with you?”

“Weren’t you trying to set up Iruka-sensei with your daughter?”

She waved her hand dismissively. “Hana, you, it doesn’t matter _who_ ends up with that teacher, but his ass is _definitely_ too fine for him not to have a mate or a bitch yet.”

Shikaku made a quiet long-suffering noise, but Kakashi noticed he made no move to leave.

Chouza tried to thump Kakashi back, but Kakashi sidestepped. The only one whose back thumps rivalled the Akimich’s was Gai’s, and Kakashi was _never_ letting Gai close enough to _ever_ do that again. “Both of you should come to dinner tomorrow and then you can tell me all about it!”

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. Dinner with the Akimich was nothing to scoff at. Kakashi would consider having each and every single one of Gai’s babies—hell, Orochimaru’s or Itachi’s babies—if it meant he could eat Akimich food for every meal for the rest of his life. Akimichs didn’t reach the size they did for no reason at all. And to be invited over…

“Hmm.”

“I’m more interested in how he managed to extract Iruka-sensei from those women.” Inoichi said, leaning against the wall behind him.

“Oh, Anko’s in denial.” Asuma smirked. “She keeps saying that Iruka-sensei hasn’t seen the light yet and he’s her man and no two-bit porn-addicted sorry-excuse-for-a-jack-off is going to take him from her. By the way, I’d be more careful around any snakes or the fish market.”

Kakashi wondered if Iruka and Anko had the same sensei or something; both were ridiculously creative with their insults.

Tsume laughed so hard that she had to grab Shikaku’s shoulder to prevent herself from falling over. “What about the other two bitc—kunoichis have to say?” She finally managed to gasp out.

“Oh, you know how it goes.” Asuma waved his cigarette around. “Shizune-san stands steadily by the fact that she believes that Iruka-san wouldn’t string her along like that—after she tries to get Kakashi-san missions that involve the Forest of Death and steaks strapped to his back—and Yugao-san vehemently denies it and then gets a nose-bleed. Then she goes down to the bookstore and steals all the Icha Icha books.”

Tsume snorted. “Delusional!” Her heavily make-upped eyes swivelled back over to Kakashi. “So, is the teacher as uncontrolled in the sack as he is with his temper?” She made a crude hand gesture.

This seemed to be the question everyone really wanted to know and everyone zoomed in on Kakashi. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“He’s into the really kinky shit, isn’t he?” Tsume looked gleeful and Kakashi had never seen Shikaku look so fascinated. “I _knew_ he would be!”

Kakashi was saved from pulling out his book a second later.

“ _HATAKE KAKASHI!_ ” All the windows in the tower rattled with the force of the bellow. “ _GET YOUR SORRY FUCKIN’ EXCUSE FOR AN ASS OVER HERE_ **RIGHT NOW** _BEFORE I HAVE TO COME DOWN THERE AND RIP YOUR GODDAMN BALLS OFF!!_ ”

Kakashi beamed sunnily at the group. “Excuse me, I’m being summoned.”

He teleported away, the catcalls, laughs, and yells of ‘ _so_ whipped!’ following him.


	7. Chapter 7

Iruka’s fists probably were cramping and the amount of blood rushing to his brain was—in all probability—not a good thing either. The reddish tint the world had taken on also didn’t bode well, but those were all minor details.

“Did you know,” he snarled at the silver-haired man in front of him, words barely making it passed his gritted teeth, “that almost the entire village thinks we’re _dating_?”

“Mm, I had heard something of that sort, yes. Something about being at the private couples’ table at some restaurant.”

“They’re referring to that meal that _you_ insisted on that had that tiny table in a cupboard!” The table had been in a dim, secluded corner and so small that both his and Hatake’s legs were constantly in contact and it was situated in such a way he _had_ to sit with Hatake’s knee persistently nudging the inside of his thigh.

Hatake looked unimpressed as he ducked Iruka’s fist, ear getting clipped in the process. “It wasn’t my fault that the restaurant was busy and that was the only table.”

“Yes, yes it was!” Iruka yelled, face starting to turn a lovely shade of fuchsia as he spun and nearly planted his foot in Hatake’s solar plexus. “You had to challenge that—that—that green _thing_ and say he couldn’t fill a restaurant with people!”

“It’s not my fault that people listened to him.” Hatake bent backwards and held his book out of harm’s way.

“What the hell possessed you to have THAT as your challenge?!”

“I wanted to see how many people would just agree with him to get him to go away.” Iruka twitched. Hatake ignored it and continue talking. “Anyhow, people shouldn’t jump to the conclusion of a relationship just because we were in a restaurant together—” He bit off the words as Iruka delivered a mean right hook into his jaw.

“They drew that conclusion because they’ve been seeing us doing MORE than just going to expensive restaurants!” Iruka nearly shrieked, working his way towards some good hyperventilating, not caring that Hatake had just fallen on a chair and broken it.

Hatake was abruptly too close to him again, magically on his feet. “Calm down.” The words glided over Iruka’s face softly. “You’re not thinking clearly.”

Iruka slapped away the hands that were gently kneading his shoulders and pulled back to punch Hatake again. “Calm DOWN? The village thinks I’m dating the number one socially-inept schmucky porn whore and you want me to CALM—”

“You’re not thinking clearly,” Hatake repeated, suddenly behind Iruka and pinning his lower arms across his body. Hakake’s mouth strayed very close to his ear. “You’re not thinking about how this could work to your advantage.”

“Oh, right!” Iruka struggled to pull himself out of the paler man’s arms. “HOW—”

There was a small thump and both men’s heads turned.

Sakura scrambled to grab the files she had dropped. “I’m so sorry I didn’t know you had company Iruka-sensei and I didn’t mean to interrupt you please forgive me I’ll go tell the Hokage you’re busy right now and I’ll just be going bye!” She said in one long breath. She darted out of the door, face glowing, slamming it shut behind her.

“Well, that certainly helped you out.” Hatake said a moment later, sounding amused, voice still too close and too intimate. “And don’t try to stomp on my foot.”

“Then LET GO OF ME!”

“Not until you calm down enough to think rationally.”

Iruka took a deep breath and started reciting his lesson plan backwards in his head. “What did you mean, ‘helped me out’?” He asked a few moments later, voice only carrying a little bit of tension. It might just be faster and less embarrassing if he just played along.

“Sakura works with Tsunade-sama and that means by default she works with Shizune-san.” Hatake murmured, voice rumbling through the chunin’s body. “She’ll go back to Shizune-san and all of her friends and tell them the newest bit of juicy gossip she just saw; us in—what she’ll think—a slightly compromising position. It’s going to be hard for Shizune-san to keep things up the way they were, especially since there’s more and more reports of us being seen together.”

Iruka craned his head, trying to see the other man’s face. “You’re saying I should let the village think I’m dating you because it will put pressure on Those Kunoichis to leave me alone?”

“You’ve told those women that you’re not interested in them; now perhaps, they’ll start getting it from other sources.” Hatake’s words breathed across his cheek. “And it’s common knowledge that Sharingan Kakashi doesn’t take kindly to those who…infringe. The combination of those two things—outside knowledge and rumours of my personality—should start making those women think again before accosting you.”

“I’m not lying to everyone about dating you!”

“Oh, but _Sensei_ , that’s where the real beauty comes in. You won’t have to say or do anything. You could probably out-right deny it and people would think you were trying to protect yourself as well as me.”

Iruka scowled; Hatake was right about that. “They’re just looking for someone new now that Kurenai-kun and Asuma-san have clearly hooked up.”

“Probably.” Hatake chuckled, masked lips almost brushing the spot right behind Iruka’s ear. “And your butt is popular enough that people are jumping at anything that looks like you getting some.”

“I hardly think…” It hit Iruka what Hatake had said. “Wait, what the hell do you mean, my _butt_?!”

The jounin’s soft laughter shook both of them. “I’ve had—at minimum—seven different women and four different men tell me how utterly fantastic your ass is.”

Iruka felt his face turn scarlet. “What—I—they—that’s—that’s not funny!”

“I kid you not. And none of them were any of your special admirers.” The amusement clearly showed through in the older man’s voice.

 _Great_. On top of everything else, now Iruka was going to be paranoid about people checking out his butt. He began to map out routes he could use so his back was always towards a wall or something of a similar nature.

“Will you let me go now?” _So I can go find a hole to crawl into and never come out of it?_

“I don’t know. Are you calm enough that you’re not going to try and punch me?”

“Yes.” _I’m going to kill you instead. After I make you cry like a stinky baby. Then maybe this nightmare will go away…_

“That was hardly convincing, _Sensei_.”

Iruka gritted his teeth. “Hatake-san—”

“Now, now, _Sensei_ , I’ve told you to call me ‘Kakashi’. And don’t you think it people would find it odd that if we’re dating, you’re still being so formal? Unless, of course, that’s something you particularly find to be… _enjoyable_. Then, call me that _all_ you like.” He could hear the smirk in the Copy Ninja’s voice. “And stop trying to stomp on my instep. It’s not nice.”

“Neither is holding me against my will!”

There was another deep, rumbling chuckle. “You flatter me, _Sensei_. I doubt there’s anyone or anything that could hold you against your will for any amount of time. I’ve seen some of those traps you’ve escaped from. I’m nothing compared to those.” The jounin paused. “Oh, that reminds me. Akimich Chouza invited us over for dinner so we could tell him about how we got together.”

“Chouji-kun’s father?” Iruka blinked, pausing in his struggle for a moment, not following the jounin’s train of thought. Chouji had once brought him a smashed piece of pie once that he and his father had made. Eating it ranked as one of the top three experiences in Iruka’s life. To have a whole meal, made entirely by Chouza…

He forced himself to return to the matter at hand. “We’re not together!”

Hatake shrugged lethargically, causing Iruka to do something similar to a shrug himself. “So what? The man is offering to cook us an _entire meal_.”

“That’s—that’s beside the point.” Iruka said weakly. A _whole meal_ of Akimich food…

…

What had the point been again?

Oh yes—the together thing. “I’m not going to make up some story about how we ‘got together’ or anything like that—”

“Who said anything about making about making things up? I was just planning to tell it more or less like it happened and then eat everything edible I can get my hands on. Let the man draw his own conclusions and spread his own version of the story to those gossip birds. I’m willing to do a whole hell of a lot more for Akimich food.”

Iruka found himself nodding in agreement before he caught himself. “But—”

 _ **SLAM!**_

“I don’t care if your boyfriend is the Death God himself!” Tsunade bellowed, ignoring the fact that the door now lay on the other side of the room; clearly, she wasn’t in a good mood. “That does NOT mean you can just ignore your duties to the village—”

“Iruka’s shift doesn’t start for another five minutes.” Hatake said dryly. Iruka tried not to tense at the lack of a suffix.

“I’m not talking about that, you brat! I’m talking about those files I sent down—”

“Sakura-kun left without giving them to Iruka.” Iruka _really_ wished that Hatake would let go of him.

And he _didn’t_ like the slow, tingly circles being traced on his arms.

The Hokage glared hard at both of them. “Hatake, shut up. I’m not talking to you; I’m talking to Iruka-sensei.”

“Hokage-sama—”

“Shut up, Iruka-sensei! I’m not done yelling at your idiot boyfriend!”

“I was about to say that we should continue this discussion on the way to the Mission Room, as I have to leave for my shift.” He managed to shift his hips enough to show off the hip flask he kept for emergencies such as this one.

Tsunade snorted and glared at them, eyes only briefly flickering down to the flask of alcohol. “Fine.” She turned around and nearly stomped out the door.

“I’ll tell Chouza-san that we’ll meet him at eight tomorrow night.” Hatake mouthed Iruka’s ear briefly. Iruka yelped and felt the other smile slowly. Before he could do anything, the arms that were pinning him were gone and the jounin vanished a moment later.

Iruka froze for a moment, then forced himself to hurry after Tsunade. He’d put old fish scales in Hatake’s bed later.


	8. Chapter 8

Iruka was NEVER leaving his room again.

EVER.

And if he ever saw green spandex again, he was going to find out _for real_ how fast a castrated ninja could move!

He was SICK of anytime that Gai saw him gaining new broken ribs. Gai not only insisted on hugging Iruka, but he seemed to think that because Hatake—Kakashi and Iruka were ‘dating’ that Iruka was now worthy enough to be dragged along on whatever new obscene challenges that Gai cooked up.

Iruka’s body never hated him more after the first challenge, and then discovered that it WAS possible hate more deeply than an angsty teen during the second challenge. He didn’t make completely through it before Hatak—Kakashi caught him and dragged him to a hospital. Gai had followed them, apologising dramatically and loudly praising Iruka’s Youthful Determination and Strength.

Gai managed to possibly redeem himself when he kept smuggling in ramen so Iruka didn’t have to eat the hospital food and gave Iruka a massage, but that was short-lived. Gai then had dashed any good graces he might have earned by giving Iruka relationship advice and warning the chunin what would happen if he broke Hata—Kakashi’s heart.

As far as Iruka was concerned, the Copy Ninja didn’t _have_ a heart, so it was a moot point.

The only good that had come out of this whole fiasco with Hata—Kakashi was the meal with the Akimich food (the food had been a quarter point shy of being utterly and divinely orgasmic). He was still being stalked by obsessive Kunoichis—who, for the record, had each bribed his class on different days to recite lists of the benefits of marrying her and the cons of even _thinking_ about the opposition, much to the delight of his class (who also liked the recent rash of no homework). He still couldn’t get his bank account to match up. He was being harangued by everyone in the village—whether it was because they thought he was in a relationship with another man (‘think of the children!’ tended to be the cry on that one) or because he hadn’t gotten together with one of Those Kunoichis (‘oh, he’s just needs more time to make up his mind’ was the comment usually made and whenever someone brought up the fact of his supposed-dating with Hatak—Kakashi, it usually was followed by an sermon about the evils of homosexual relationships). No-one listened when he said he wasn’t gay and wasn’t looking.

And then there were the questions from his students. He didn’t even want to _know_ where Udon had learned the word fellatio, much less how to say it properly.

WHY did the gods hate him so much?!

He sighed and rinsed his bowl off. It wasn’t fair—

His scar twinged and he was throwing his chopsticks before he even fully knew what he was doing. He had three shurikens balanced on his knuckles by the time his brain had caught up with his body.

Hata—Kakashi looked mildly amused as he held up the chopsticks idly. “Good reflexes.” He slid in through the window completely.

“What do you want now?” Iruka asked tiredly. It had been yet another long day and he was worn-out enough that he couldn’t even work up the anger when Hata—Kakashi’s single eye slid over him a little more slowly then was needed. He already knew he looked sloppy with his half-hearted ponytail and old, threadbare flannel pants and vest that had massive amounts of holes and stains.

“Now, _Sensei_ , why does everything with you have to be about me? I just wanted to see Konoha’s favourite teacher.”

“Bullshit.”

Hata—Kakashi smiled a brilliant smile. “Oh, your ninja skills are too much for me! However did you know that I needed something?”

Iruka was too exhausted to even take the bait. “Just tell me what you want and then go away.”

The jounin frowned slightly—at least, Iruka thought he was frowning. It was hard to tell with the mask.

He blinked and there was Hatake, right in his face. “Are you feeling okay, Sensei?” The backs of long pale fingers were suddenly pressed to his forehead and cheek. Something that might have been concern—if Hata—Kakashi actually felt anything—flickered across the single eye.

Iruka pulled back. “I’m tired and I want you to go away and you won’t, so no, I’m not feeling all that great.”

The Copy Ninja managed to project an aura of hurt. “I’m just worried about your wellbeing. What’s wrong with that?”

“Can you just tell me why you’re here?”

The pale man let his hand fall. “I have a mission. I’ll be gone for about a week and I need to have someone in to take care of my pets.” Iruka blinked and decided he was in an alternate universe because Ha—Kakashi sounded serious for once. “I’ve keyed my windows and doors to your chakra signature so you won’t have to disable any traps; just make sure you hold your hand to my door or window for about five seconds before you enter.” A cool hand was suddenly sliding something small and metallic into Iruka’s and scarred skin brushed tan skin. “There’s a key. I’ve left all the instructions on my desk in my house. I don’t care if you stop in once a day or just live there, but I really need someone in to take of them.” The lone eye suddenly curved cheerfully. “I’ll bet you can get away from those women and Gai if you stay there.”

Iruka opened his mouth, then shut it. He was still trying to process the fact that Kakashi actually cared about something—even if it wasn’t human. “Right.”

The arched eye seemed to get warmer. “I’ll be back soon and we can resume things then. Oh, and _Sensei_?” Ha—Kakashi was suddenly so close they were almost no air between them. “With you dressed like that, I’m going to have _no_ troubles staying warm on this mission.” He murmured, mouth hovering over Iruka’s.

Apparently, Iruka wasn’t tired enough not to try and kill perverted idiots. The jounin was gone, but not before the three shurikens gave him an impromptu haircut.

Iruka glared balefully the bits of metal now imbedded in his wall and window frame. He shuffled over and yanked them out of the wood, letting the strands of silvery hair drift down. Muttering unflattering things under his breath, he grabbed the chopsticks that Hata—Kakashi had left on the window sill and returned to doing his dishes.

He was putting the last cup away when he realised that he had a problem.

He didn’t know where Ha—Kakashi lived.

xXxXxXxXxXx

Iruka blinked slowly.

The dog stared at him.

He blinked again.

The dog yawned and scratched behind its ear.

“What the hell!”

The dog looked distinctly unimpressed.

“What are you doing here!”

Still looking uninterested in Iruka’s frustration, it put its head back down on its paws, clearly intending to go back to sleep.

Iruka growled slightly. He didn’t know _how_ a dog got into his apartment, much less on to the foot of his bed, but he wasn’t going to stand for it.

The dog let out a surprised yelp when Iruka swiftly bundled it up in a thick blanket. “I am in _no_ mood…for this _crap_!” He huffed as he heaved the dog off of his bed and down his hallway. “I’m having a… _shitty_ …couple of months…and I’m…up to _here_ …with crap in my life!” With that, he dumped the dog outside and slammed his door shut.

He glared sourly at his blanket. He’d have to wash it now to get rid of the dog hairs—

He let out a noise that sounded suspiciously like an enraged chicken that just had a feather pulled off of its butt.

The dog—now looking far more disgruntled than disinterested—looked at him crossly. It flopped down on the foot of Iruka’s bed, much like it had been before Iruka had rolled it so unceremoniously out of his door. Its attitude was one clearly of one of rebellion.

Iruka narrowed his eyes. He knew a challenge when he saw one.

That dog was going to be in for a _long_ night if it thought it was going to outlast Iruka.


	9. Chapter 9

“AH, Good Morning, Beloved Sweetheart of my Eternal Rival! How are you on this Fine and Fresh Morning?”

Iruka looked up, more than slightly murderous. While the dog’s attitude was now very meek and no longer made _any_ attempts at nipping at him any more (it had quickly learned that Iruka bit back and Iruka bit _harder_ ), it still kept creeping back in, looking more and more pathetic as the night wore on. Needless to say, Iruka didn’t get much sleep, so he was in absolutely _no_ place to deal with the Prideful Beast’s stupid adjective-ladled speeches.

Gai slowed down, the cheerful expression gradually melting off of his face. He righted himself and dusted off his hands, coming up to the front of Iruka’s apartment.

The dog let out a small whine, as if it was asking Gai for help. Its bandages were wet from the morning dew and a puddle that Iruka had thrown it in and the blue vest and hitai-ate that it wore were wrinkled and starting to look bedraggled. Its red fur was no longer smooth or sleek or even clean anymore. All and all, it looked almost as miserable as Iruka felt.

Gai took in Iruka’s and the dog’s appearances. “Is my Eternal Rival Safe and Well?”

“How the hell should I know!” Iruka snapped. “He’s still on his bloody mission!”

“Ah.” Gai gestured at the dog. “I just saw Loyal Akaki-chan here”—the dog made a half-hearted growl at the suffix—“and I became Very Worried for my Eternal Rival’s Health.”

Iruka shut his eyes and took a deep breath. “This dog is Hatake’s?” His voice—despite all efforts—was tight. The dog cowered behind Gai, apparently hoping that the big man could be used as a meat shield when Iruka snapped.

Gai blinked in confusion, seemingly unaware that his life hung in balance. “Of course. I would recognise that marking anywhere.” He pointed at the design on the back of the dog’s vest.

Iruka frowned and looked again—henohenomoheji. How the hell did that—

It clicked.

‘Scarecrow’. That mark meant ‘scarecrow’, just like the fuckhead Kakashi’s name.

“I hope you won’t mind, but I’m going to _kill_ that man when he gets back.”

Gai blinked again, and then proceeded to wake the entire complex with his big booming laugh. “Ah, Beloved Sweetheart of my Eternal Rival! Your humour is Youthful and Smart! If I find a Precious Person of my own, I hope that they will have a Delightful Sense of Humour that will Lighten and Brighten any situation that they are in, much like yours does!”

“I wasn’t joking. Me, I’m going to kill him _dead_.” Iruka borrowed a few grammatical things from the French to emphasis his point.

Gai only laughed harder. “Your Jokes are Hip and Modern! I can see how you have softened the Noble and Resolved Heart of my Eternal Rival!”

Iruka’s forehead twitched and he reminded himself that brutally killing Gai was a Bad Idea. No matter how _Great_ it sounded now, it would only end Badly.

Damn it, now he was starting to sound like Gai! All the more reason to put the village out of its misery…

“Is there something I can help you with, Gai-san?” He asked, hating his life and hoping he could get rid of the green atrocity before he really did start murdering things. He could see Shizune lurking across the street, waiting until she could pounce.

“I am Glad that you asked that!” Gai did a shiny ‘good-guy’ pose. “I was Performing a Youthful Morning Task of Walking around our Fair Village on my Hands Backwards when I saw your Humble and Cosy Abode! I thought that you would be Lonely without your Treasured Love so I decided to stop by to make you feel Better and More Youthful!”—Iruka wasn’t even going to _touch_ that one; damn his dirty and evil mind!—“I also thought if you had time later that you would join me for a Youthful Challenge!”

“I…I’ll see what happens.” Castrating Gai was _also_ a Bad Idea, though it held a certain amount of a pleasure.

Iruka didn’t think it was possible, but then Gai’s smile got even brighter. “I Eagerly Await your Dramatic Arrival! Farwell, Precious Darling of my Eternal Rival! Farwell, Noble Protector of my Eternal Rival’s Lover!”

The dog appeared stricken when Gai ran off, flipping and returning to his backwards handstand run. It hunched down further, attempting to make itself a smaller target now that its meat shield was gone.

“Did Hatake leave you to watch over me to make sure that I didn’t try to flee the village?” Iruka asked darkly.

The dog shook its head sharply.

“Did he leave you to watch over me?”

The dog paused and looked lost for a moment. It finally shook its head.

“But he did leave you here with reasons that concerned me?”

The dog’s bandaged head nodded.

Iruka bit back a snarl. “I’m going to kill your master when he returns, in case you were wondering.”

Spotting Shizune making a beeline for him, he stepped back and gestured. “Come on, get inside.”

It froze, clearly expecting some sort of trap. “If I had known you were the odious and brainless blockhead’s dog in the first place, we could have avoided all this. But there’s a problem heading this way and if you don’t get your sorry ass in here in the next five seconds, I’m going to shut this door and you’re on your _own_.”

The dog bolted inside.

Iruka slammed the door shut on Shizune’s voice. “I’m going to be late!” He yelled at the door as he swiftly activated all of his traps.

“But it’s not even seven!” He heard her call through the door. “And I’ve made sure you had nothing scheduled for this morning!”

He yanked on his uniform unceremoniously and grabbed the small knapsack that all of his grading was in. It was only a matter of time before she tried the windows and he wanted to be gone before that.

He hopped out of his window just as he saw her round the corner. “Iruka-sensei—!”

“Leave me alone!” He pushed chakra into his legs and started to run, mildly surprised to see the dog running besides him.

It was going to be another long day.

xXxXxXxXxXx

His feet hurt and he was tired. All he wanted to do was go home and sleep.

Four things stopped him, however. One: Yugao. Two: Anko. Three: Shizune. Four: His promise to Hat—Kakashi, which is why he was following Kakashi’s red and bandaged dog over the roofs.

It finally stopped next to a grey building with a red roof and looked up at him expectantly. “So which one is his?” Iruka asked, praying that Kakashi’s pets hadn’t vomited all over the carpet and he’d accidentally step in it or anything awful like that.

The dog glanced up at him, and Iruka swore it looked surprised. Giving what he assumed was the canine equivalent of a shrug, it hopped over to a window. It sat down and waited for Iruka to catch up.

He crouched a bit awkwardly outside of a medium-size sliding window. Remembering the instructions that Ha—Kakashi had given him before, he carefully put his hand on the window frame. He felt silly until the barest touches of chakra brushed against his palm. He nearly fell off the small ledge in surprise but managed to recentre himself quickly. Curiously, he sent a small strand of chakra into the wood but felt nothing.

Strangely, the window felt…friendlier.

Once he got the window open (Kakashi didn’t _need_ traps with the window sticking like that), he carefully slid inside and nearly knocked over a small leafy plant. He straightened up once he got inside and glanced around.

The room was almost sterile. Iruka wondered what Kakashi spent all his money on because it certainly wasn’t on his living accommodations. There was almost no furniture in the place and he couldn’t see any semblance of a kitchen or bathroom anywhere.

On the flip side, he had no problems finding the instructions that Kakashi had left for him. It was the only sheet of paper on one of the only wooden surface that was not the floor.

‘ _Iruka-sensei_ ’ the note ran (and Iruka could _hear_ the Copy Ninja drawling the suffix in that insufferable tone of his), ‘ _So glad that you were able to escape those brats and women._ ’ Iruka plotted what nasty surprises he could leave in the Icha Icha books that lined the shelves.

‘ _Thank you for taking care of my pets—it really is too kind of you_ ’—“HA!”—‘ _and they greatly appreciate it. Mr Ukki and Akaki are the two that will be under your protection._

‘ _Mr Ukki is the alpha, so make sure that you tend him first. This is very important, as I don’t want to come home and find everything in a mess because you gave them the wrong ideas of their status in the pack._

‘ _Mr. Ukki likes listening to you talk, so make sure that you do so regularly. Don’t be disparaging to him because he’s very sensitive about things like that. Other than that, you can talk about anything. I find that he’s very good for helping sorting things out._

‘ _He takes at least one half cup of water every morning or evening and possibly more if it’s hot and dry out. If he’s looking particularly droopy and the water doesn’t perk him up, sprinkle a little bit of fertiliser_ —’

“ _Fertiliser?!_ ” Iruka stared at the precise strokes on the paper. “What the…”

‘— _and if he has any dead leaves, please pull them off immediately_ —’

“LEAVES?!” His eyes swivelled over to the cheerful plant on the ledge in front of the window. Sure enough, neatly painted around the pot the name ‘Mr Ukki’ was printed again and again.

“Mr Ukki is his _plant_?!” Iruka felt his eyebrow twitching again. All that trouble for a stupid _plant_?! Hatake Kakashi clearly was crazier than previously thought, with all his talking to plants and calling it the ‘alpha’.

Maybe it was time to call in that favour from Ibiki. If Kakashi was found to be unstable enough, they’d make him take a vacation in a lovely little resort in the mountains that had rubber sheets and padded walls.

Iruka cackled to himself and ignored the fact that the dog immediately dove under the desk and whimpered at the noise.


	10. Chapter 10

Iruka wasn’t going to take up Kakashi up on the offer to use his home.

Really.

It just happened he brought his grading one night and discovered that it was wonderfully quiet and nobody was stupid enough to try and bother him in Sharingan Kakashi’s apartment and it wasn’t too bad there—even if the bathroom was so tiny that you couldn’t sit on the toilet without knocking your knees on the sink and the shower stall would make a coffin feel roomy and he had to share it with two other tenants. Or he had seen microwaves bigger than the icebox and Kakashi didn’t have a proper stove, just a tiny hotplate that was only big enough for a mug or the fact that Kakashi seemed to think that a foyer was a suitable kitchen space.

He got more grading done in those next two nights than he had in the last two months. He found time to update and fix his lesson plans. He even had time to plan everything out for his students for the next three months. His class was utterly disgusted with the return to almost complete normalcy, but after Iruka blew up the tree that Shizune was in (nearly taking off her leg) and left Anko strung up by her toenails outside of the mission room while he demonstrated the effects of different poisons on Yugao, they sullenly—but with a new level of respect—did all their work and didn’t try to escape too much.

He felt better than he had in days, good enough that he even allowed himself a charitable thought about Kakashi.

Who, for the record, was _late_ in getting back from his mission. Lazy-assed bastard, couldn’t even get back on time.

Not that Iruka minded.

Not that he cared.

It was only the Copy Ninja, probably the strongest ninja they had out in the field right now and one of the biggest pain-in-the-asses that Iruka had ever met and things just seemed strange without someone driving Iruka nuts. It wasn’t like it was all that _important_ or anything.

Besides, Akaki was still here and Iruka reasoned if the stupid wanker had gotten himself into a nasty mess or killed himself, Akaki would have left or vanished.

Even though they had a rough start, Akaki turned out to be a good companion. He was good when Iruka insisted that he get a bath and new bandages and he put up with all the children who wanted to pet him (it was a great way to introduce the idea of summons to his class).

Iruka also would only admit it under pains of torture, but talking to Kakashi’s plant _was_ very relaxing. It was easier than talking to himself and the plant would sway and rustle encouragingly or sympathetically, depending on the situation.

He hadn’t realised just how stressed he had become until he had the time to sit in Kakashi’s pathetic excuse for an apartment. Classes moved smoother, he felt better when he woke up in the morning, and for the first time in what felt like forever, he wasn’t sore all the time. His reflexes had gotten better and he was less twitchy. It was easier to dodge Those Kunoichis’ traps and it was good to be able to get away quickly from all the disapproving people.

He was hiding from Those Kunoichis again (Shizune had given Anko something that made her vomit and get hives and Yugao (who was still in the hospital from the poisons class) had gotten an ANBU squad to remove her opponents’ apartments from the buildings—not that any of this stopped any of Them from chasing Iruka), grading when he must have fallen asleep. He woke when someone else’s chakra gently brushed his.

He was jerking around and flinging his pen a moment later—or at least, trying to. A thin pale gloved hand had slapped down over his throwing hand and a dry exhausted voice was whispering his name.

“ _Kakashi-san_?!” Iruka managed to twist his head far enough that he could catch a glimpse of silvery hair.

The chakra that slowly curling around his was definitely Kakashi’s. “It’s about time you’ve gotten back! Have you seen the Hokage? She’s been getting rather shirty—” He broke off when he got a good look at the jounin. “Shit! What happened to you?!”

Kakashi smiled at him—a bit dazedly and swayed a bit more. “’Ruka,” he mumbled and petted Iruka’s head clumsily. He looked like someone had taken a heavy oaken table leg and a lead pipe to him and then threw him in the middle of a bar fight with wrestlers that were the size of gorillas and had the tempers of rhinoceros in mating season and after that, made him run at top speed from the Star Country back home without stopping.

Iruka stood up sharply and had to grab at Kakashi when the sudden movement unbalanced the other. “You haven’t stopped to see the Hokage yet, have you? What were you _thinking_?! Oh wait, you don’t like doing that…” Iruka realised that he was probably babbling, but since it seemed to give Kakashi something to focus on, he didn’t stop.

Kakashi kept winding more and more of the caressing chakra around him and Iruka tried to ignore it as he shoved the stiffly-moving Copy Ninja in the disgustingly small bathroom. “Shower. NOW.” He ordered. “I’m going to send word to Tsunade-sama that you’re home and get you some fresh clothing to sleep in.”

“Don’ go.” Kakashi slurred, tightening both his grip and his chakra.

“I’m not leaving you.” _Think small child, SMALL CHILD_. “I’m just going to get you clean clothing, and then I’ll be right back, okay?” When Kakashi didn’t immediately let go, Iruka tried again. “That’s all I’m going to do. I’ll be back before you know it.”

Kakashi stared at him, face blank. Slowly, he nodded and Iruka let out a mental sigh of relief. He didn’t know what he would have done if the pale man had insisted that he stay.

Escaping the bathroom finally, Iruka scribbled a quick note to the Hokage and he shooed Akaki out with it. Then he went on a quest for clean clothing.

It didn’t take much, considering the lack of furniture in the other man’s apartment. He had one small chest of drawers and only a few drawers under his bed (half of which were dedicated to some limp-looking linens).

Kakashi’s chakra tugged incessantly and with increasing urgency on his. Trying to ignore the needy child-like plea they held, Iruka stuck his arm into the cupboard of a bathroom. “Here,” he dropped the clothing on to what he hoped was the toilet seat (it might have been the sink). “Get out and get dressed because I’m sure as hell not doing that for you and that room can’t hold one person, much less two. Then get your sorry-excuse for a brain out here so I can see tend to those bruises.”

He heard Kakashi mutter something that sounded suspiciously like ‘c’mon in here’, but it could have been ‘I’ve lost an ear’. He decided he didn’t want to know either way.

Impatiently, he waited for Kakashi to drag his useless corpse out. He was ready to kick the door down and drag the man out himself when Kakashi laboriously stumbled out, mask askew and shirt misbuttoned. He blinked owlishly and nearly fell over when the Sharingan started to swirl weakly.

“Feeble-minded poor-excuse for a fool!” Iruka yanked off his hitai-ate and swiftly tied it over the red eye. Feeling stupid and vaguely like an over-bearing parent, he straightened the mask. Grabbing the dirty clothing from the bathroom, he set out to get the Copy Ninja back into his room.

Unconcerned with the trouble he was causing, Kakashi practically draped himself over Iruka’s shoulders. Iruka let out a startled huff; the jerk was _heavy_ and didn’t seem to be inclined to get off of him anytime in the near future.

Staggering, he lugged the lousy worthless bum back into the Spartan room before deposititng the waste of space on to the shuriken-patterned bedspread. “ _STAY_ ,” he snapped, rationalising that if he used bigger and more complex commands, Kakashi wouldn’t understand them.

 _Gormless moron._

Since Kakashi seemed to be too cheap for a freezer, Iruka had to make due with water (from the tap and run until he deemed it couldn’t get any colder) and towels. Ignoring the demanding tugs and the tightening in his chest whenever he left the room, Iruka filled any bowl he could find and hauled them back into the room.

Kakashi, apparently, wasn’t so spaced that he couldn’t get out the first-aid kit. Iruka had come in with some water and found the man shirtless and trying to open the ointment for chest colds. He had to slap the jounin around a little bit for that one (but not as much as he should have; somebody else had done a good job of it for him). Kakashi only smiled vacantly at him and despite the stiff way he was sitting, appeared to be relaxing.

Iruka had cold wet towels around some of the worst of the bruises and was gently smearing a soothing salve on cool mottled flesh when the door rattled violently in its frame. He considered ignoring it for a moment, but when it started to sound like the wall was going to come flying in, he went to go investigate.

Tsunade glared at him when he opened the door. She pointed to the hallway. “OUT!” She barked. “The sooner I get a report out of that brat, the sooner I can go to the pub!”

“Tsunade-sama!” Shizune shrieked, for a moment forgetting that she was making googly eyes at Iruka.

“You can stay out here.” With that, Tsunade shoved Iruka out of the doorway and slammed the door shut behind her.

“Iruka-sensei! Are you all right?” Shizune hovered unhappily as he clutched his chest and tried to take a deep breath. He had a stretched sensation filling his muscles and his heart felt squeezed. Despite the sweat he could feel forming on his skin, he was suddenly very, very, very cold.

There was so much spinning and pounding in his head he barely heard Shizune say “here, let me help you”, her glowing hand reaching out and gently touching his forehead.

Several things happened at once.

Shizune was suddenly flung back into a wall from a powerful surge of chakra that spill from Iruka that was not his own. The grip that felt like it was squishing Iruka’s chest yanked backwards harshly, causing him to fall into the door. Tsunade yelled something from inside the room and Iruka felt worse than he had before.

He was clinging to the door for dear life when it was ripped away from him and he crashed into a pair of scantly-covered breasts. “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING OUT HERE?!” Tsunade bellowed, angrily. “I JUST got the idiot to start to give me the important details and then he goes all crazy on me!”

Iruka flailed a little bit. He couldn’t breathe!

Shizune shakily got to her feet, looking a little worse for wear. “I don’t know what happened. Iruka-sensei is sick and I just was trying to help him.”

Tsunade seemed to just realise that Iruka was plastered in her bosom, unable to push himself out of the cleft so he could get air. He thrashed weakly, miserably, knowing that she’d punch him for being there and then he’d _die_ and it would be the most embarrassing way to go _ever_.

And then Genma and Ebisu would get drunk at his funeral and sob about it not happening to them and Naruto would cry about how his Iruka-sensei was corrupted and his students would only remember that he died in the most humiliating way possible and not anything important—

Tsunade grabbed the back of Iruka’s vest and practically threw him at Kakashi’s bed. Kakashi glared at Tsunade, but Iruka couldn’t tell if it was because Iruka had gotten a faceful of breast and he hadn’t or it was because Iruka had just been thrown on his bed, practically on his lap.

Tsunade ignored him. “Do you feel better now?” She asked Iruka, eyes narrowed.

Iruka blinked, and the horror of the situation hit him. “Better?! I was nearly _killed_ by your…I…you…NO, I’m not feeling better!” He felt a rant coming on and it felt so _right_ and _good_ he did nothing to stop it. “Your _assistant_ won’t leave me alone and I’ve got the BIGGEST FUCKIN’ BUFFOON in the _world_ who can’t do ANYTHING right latching on to me like a _child_ and I get the symptoms of a _heart attack_ or EBOLA in the hallway and I nearly DIE out there only to be killed a moment later by a pair of walking—”

“A simple ‘yes’ would have been sufficient!” The Hokage snapped. She glanced at Kakashi. “Honestly, does he do that _all_ the time?”

Kakashi made a happy noise and collapsed against Iruka’s back. Shizune peered around the Sannin and appeared stricken. Tsunade shook her head, but then suddenly grinned. “It’s about time that you found someone to focus on who’s not that stupid plant. Congratulations on finally finding someone who’s crazier than you.”

Iruka opened his mouth to rant some more because—damn it—it was his _right_ , but Tsunade cut him off before he could get started. “Have you ever been someone’s focus?”

“No,” he said, a bit sulkily.

“It’s nothing special,” she shrugged. “But you do know that you’re going to have be here until the moron gets his head out of his ass again. Slap him around a bit if he slips too far.”

“I can’t be his focus! I have classes and shifts—”

“Make out with him for a bit if he doesn’t respond to that—”

“ _WHAT_!”

“Oh, don’t pretend to be such a prude!” Tsunade waved off Iruka’s bugging eyes and ignored Shizune’s soft sniffles and watering eyes. “ _Everyone’s_ heard about your wild kinky streak! Now, try to prevent him from using too much chakra because the brat’s gone and tried to solve all his problems by sticking his stupid eye on it and cutting it up with lightening—again. Oh, and he’s bruised his tailbone something terrible and I’m not going to heal that until the brat gives me his report when he’s coherent again, so no sex until that point.”

Iruka wanted to _die_.

“Make sure that the idiot eats.” Tsunade glanced at the two of them, Iruka with his burning face and loose jaw and Kakashi’s draping and clumsy nudging of Iruka’s shoulder. She smirked. “Have fun.” She grabbed a now-bawling Shizune and dragged her out of the box-like apartment.

Iruka wanted to _die_.

Kakashi made a soft snuffling noise and rubbed his face against Iruka’s neck. When Iruka twisted to yell at him (it could have been to slap him), Kakashi ducked slightly and curled up under Iruka’s arm, practically _snuggling_ with the teacher. “’Ruka,” he murmured and tightened his chakra grip sleepily.

Iruka glared at him. How—how _dare_ he just cuddle up to Iruka as if nothing had happened! Did he _think_ that Iruka was _okay_ with all of this? Did he _think_ that—

Kakashi sighed and muttered something that sounded suspiciously like ‘safe’.

Iruka glared harder, but didn’t move. If he was going to do something terrible to the other man for getting him in this situation, he wanted the jounin to be _conscious_ for it so he’d remember it, damn it! _How_ was Kakashi supposed to learn if he wasn’t awake enough to know what hit him?

Iruka nodded firmly. He’d get the Copy Ninja for this later, when he could full appreciate the misery he’d put the pale man through.

He began to absently comb his fingers through the damp hair—to make sure Kakashi got all the twigs out of his hair—and plotted.


	11. Chapter 11

Iruka was never going to be anyone’s focus again. He was ready to let Kakashi go down whatever path that he was supposed to stop the jounin from going down because damn it, it wasn’t worth it!

Kakashi kept his chakra wrapped tightly around Iruka’s and he’d use it to make Iruka miserable if he walked more than five steps away. Going to the bathroom was terrible because Kakashi would tighten his hold and _yank_ , all while giving Iruka the symptoms of cardiac arrest or lung cancer.

He’d be fine as long as Iruka was within arm’s reach and spent more time than was healthy curled up against the chunin’s side. The moment Iruka left that space, he’d become agitated and restless and the only thing that calmed him down was Iruka’s touch.

And he’d go absolutely _berserk_ if someone else’s chakra touched Iruka.

It also sickened Iruka to say, but he owed Gai a _huge_ debt. Gai—upon discovering Kakashi was back—showed up _all_ the time, but he saved Iruka from dying on a street somewhere from Kakashi’s controlling chakra problem because he always brought food. Granted, some of it was deeply questionable, but he’d bring it and had the magical knack of also bringing whatever else that was needed.

Gai also—apparently—took over his classes because he felt it was the Nobel and Youthful thing to do (and because he seemed to think that he could turn it into a challenge for Iruka). Iruka was deeply scared of the results—the current reports were disturbing, the least worrisome things being that his classes seemed to have a new-found love for hygiene (particularly oral hygiene) and a fascination with adjectives.

It was going to take _months_ to undo the damage.

Still, it did his heart good when Gai came in with a signs posted on his back that said things like ‘Kick Me’ and ‘Yuthfull Poopy Head’. It made him think that, perhaps, his class was still redeemable.

It also helped that the entire class kept demanding his return, once even trying to hold Team 11 hostage until their demands were met (Neji and TenTen had escaped, but Lee had stayed behind because he started babbling something about Noble Intent and the Vital Importance of a Great Sensei). He never thought he had been wildly popular with his classes, but current events were proving him wrong. Not even Gai was bad enough to inspire the entire class to start organising homework strikes and picket lines in front of the Hokage’s tower (their signs, he heard, said things like ‘Free Iruka-Sensei!’, ‘Yuth aganst Yuthfullnes’, ‘Just say no!’, ‘Iruka-sensei out of jail or we all fail!’, and little crudely drawn pictures of Gai and Shikamaru with their faces x-ed out).

He could only wonder what they thought had been done to him, but their devotion was nice, never the less.

Gai didn’t seemed bothered by any of this; he’d launch into speeches about how the classes Youthful Loyalty touched his Prideful Heart and how Iruka truly was a Great Sensei and it was No Wonder that his Eternal Rival fell for him.

Iruka always denied any responsibility for his actions at that point. It wasn’t his fault, and besides, it wasn’t like he had done any _lasting_ damage to Gai! The man might scream whenever he tasted parsley in the future, but Iruka figured Gai could learn to avoid it easily.

Tsunade finally saved Iruka, practically breaking Kakashi’s door as she bellowed about Kakashi milking things too much and how she was _sick_ of little pre-genins stealing all of her alcohol and if Iruka didn’t get those little brats under control _right now_ she was going to SNAP!

Kakashi sulked through the entire rant, but Iruka had never been so grateful in his entire life. He was so happy he chose to ignore how quiet his apartment felt or how he had to add three blankets and two pillows to his bed because it suddenly wasn’t warm enough any more.

xXxXxXxXxXx

“Sensei, what’s sodamide?”

Iruka nearly choked. “Excuse me?!” After fielding questions about his supposed imprisonment, Gai, the Copy Ninja, and his ‘escape’, it was not a question he expected to have to answer.

The class was suddenly more alert than it had been during the entire time he had to tried to take them back to chakra control (Gai had insisted on focusing on taijutsu and honour and they wanted to know about his absence). Konohamaru even set aside his plotting and gave Iruka his undivided attention. Hanabi looked very earnest as she repeated the question.

Iruka took a deep breath. “Where did you hear that word?” He asked carefully.

She suddenly seemed less confident. Something in his face or tone must have warned her that it mattered very much who she had heard the word from. “...Around.”

He took another deep breath and started counting the angry parents that were going to be storming his classroom later. “It’s pronounced ‘sodomite’ and it’s a very derogatory name for someone whose…lifestyle choices are different than what many people think is acceptable.” He picked his words very cautiously. “It’s incredibly insulting and degrading and if I catch any of you using it, you’ll not only be scraping gum off of every surface in this school with a dull spoon without chakra but you will be writing lines and doing exercises until your arms fall off.”

The entire class looked stricken, Hanabi particularly.

“Is that word worse than faggot or bitch?” Konohamaru finally asked, most of his normal exuberance gone.

Iruka shut his eyes for a moment and multiplied the number of parents by three. “It’s just as bad. Those are all words I never want to hear in my classroom. Does anyone have any ideas of why such words would be inappropriate to use?”

The class was silent. Iruka began counting in his head. _One, two, three…_ The trick hadn’t failed him yet.

 _Nine, ten, eleven, twelve…_

The students stirred uncomfortably.

 _Seventeen, eighteen…_

No-one wanted to make eye-contact.

 _Twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty-four, twenty-five…_

A little girl tentatively put her hand up.

 _Bingo._

“Because it might make people feel bad?”

“That’s very true. Using words like that can hurt a person’s feelings very deeply. What are some other reasons why it’s not nice?”

The class fidgeted. “Because mommy doesn’t like it?” Another child offered.

“That’s a very good point. However, it’s not what I’m getting at. The reason those words are so bad is because you are saying that there is something wrong with those people when you use it. You are telling them that because they are different than you that they are less than you and with some of those words, less than human. It is never right to bring someone down just because they aren’t the same as you. Do you understand?” He looked around at his students and prayed that they understood him and listened to him, if only just this one time.

Slowly, heads started to nod. “It’s like if I call someone stupid for liking red better than orange, isn’t it?” Konohamaru tried to act wise.

“It’s very much like that.” Not quite, but it would have to do for now.

The bell rang and nobody moved. All the children watched him, almost expectantly. “I’m not going to give you any homework tonight, but I want you all to think about this discussion very hard. Class dismissed.”

The students slowly started moving, every action subdued. Quite a few students hugged Iruka—almost guiltily—before running out the door. He could only wonder what they had been hearing around the village about him.

He sat down and stared at the pile of essays that were waiting to be graded. The first parent would probably start coming in about two hours, meaning he didn’t have a lot of time to finish.

He sighed and picked up his red pen. It was going to be a long night.


	12. Chapter 12

The parents arrived precisely on schedule. ‘How _dare_ you teach _my_ child that word!’ and ‘keep your disgusting habits away from _my child_!’ and ‘how _dare_ you show up like that and try to corrupt our children in your vile ways!’ filled the room as parents fought to make it clear that Iruka was the most horrid thing on the planet. They only quieted down when Hyuuga Hiashi commanded that Iruka explain himself before he went to the council to demand Iruka’s immediate removal from the classroom.

“I simply told them that word was offensive and would not be allowed in my classroom.” Iruka said for the thousandth time. “I didn’t tell them exactly what it meant; only such language is unacceptable.”

Hiashi’s pale eyes glared at him. “You had no right to bring your…perversions into the classroom like that!”

Iruka bit his cheek until he tasted blood. “I have been nothing but professional and my personal life has _nothing_ to do with the children asking what a word means.” He kept his hands under his desk so no-one could see how tightly he had them clenched. “When a child asks me what a word like ‘sodomite’ means, it is _not_ because I have used it myself but because they have heard it somewhere and they know I will answer them honestly.”

“Perhaps if you hadn’t been flaunting your depravity around the village, this wouldn’t be a problem.” There was a roar of agreement from the other parents.

Iruka twitched before he could stop himself and before he could pick his words properly, his mouth was already moving. “Perhaps if you hadn’t been so careless, petty, and close-minded, this wouldn’t be a problem.”

“Pardon me?” Hiashi’s voice was quiet and starting to pick up a dangerous tone.

Iruka didn’t flinch. “It was _your_ daughter who asked the question because she heard someone important to her use it. Since you help make sure that she doesn’t care for her older sister and Neji is never home enough for her to develop much of an attachment to him, that doesn’t leave too many other people for her to admire.” He reminded himself that slugging a Hyuuga was _Not_ A Good Idea, no matter _how_ tired or frustrated he was feeling. “If you don’t want me to answer questions about things like what a sodomite is, then make sure that people in your house aren’t using those words in places where your daughter can hear them. I will not lie to my students. And _don’t_ tell me to pass the question off,” he snapped over a mother who was starting to protest. “I did that last time when _your_ son asked me about fellatio and you all came in here throwing a fit and telling your children lies. I had students saying that they were going to get some jizz for their mother’s tea because someone told their child that it was kind of cream!” He stood up, finally letting his anger get the better of him. “If you don’t want your children knowing what those words mean, then _stop using them_! If you weren’t gossiping about my so-called ‘personal’ life, then we wouldn’t have a problem, now _would_ we?!”

A few parents had the decency to look ashamed. Hiashi, of course, was not one of them. He had drawn himself up to his full height. “You are in no position to be pretending to be a moral, upright—”

“Mm, you’re in no position to pretending to be one, either.”

Iruka bit his other cheek as Kakashi slouched in to the room. Despite his lazy pace, Kakashi was giving off an aura of danger. He glanced over at the Hyuuga. “Really, bullying a teacher to try and get your way? Accusing a chunin of indecency? Don’t you have better things to fill your time with?”

“This is none of your business, Hatake-san.”

“You’re making Iruka late.” Kakashi peered over the top of his book. “I’ve been waiting for the last half-hour for him, so I think that this is starting to become my business. And I hear that knitting is very relaxing. You should think about it.”

Iruka swallowed the snippy retort he wanted to give. It wouldn’t look good in front of all the parents.

Hiashi sneered slightly. “So he’s brought you down to his level? I used to respect you, Hatake.”

“Could be worse,” a page was turned ideally. “He could have brought me ‘down to his level’ and then denied it ever happened.”

Iruka blinked. A faint shade of pink had crawled up the Hyuuga’s cheeks, but he couldn’t tell if it was anger, embarrassment, shame, or a combination of the three.

“I do not know what you are talking about.” If possible, the Byakugan user’s voice got stiffer and tighter.

“Mm, probably don’t. You _were_ pretty trashed.”

A few parents inched away from Hiashi, faces unhappily scandalised. He ignored them, face furious. “Do not put me in the same category as your fuck toy—”

Iruka only realised that he had moved when his kunai was pressed harshly at Hiashi’s bared throat, the other man’s hand frozen half-way to his throat. “I. Am. _NO-one’s_. Fuck. Toy.” Iruka snarled, barely getting the words out in his red haze of fury. “We are here to discuss _your daughter_ and her asking about the word ‘sodomite’! We are _not_ here to discuss anything outside of that point! ANYTHING besides that is a _moot point_!”

He stalked back to his desk and slammed the kunai into the wood, nearly burying it up to the hilt into the wood. “I have explained my position on the matter numerous times and this is the _last_ time I say it! Hyuuga Hanabi asked me what a sodomite was. I told her it was an insult and I would not allow such language in my classroom.” He glared at the shuffling parents hotly. “If you still have problems with my _teaching_ style, you can go talk to the Hokage! Anything outside of that is _none of your goddamn fucking **business**_!” He pointed to the door. “Now, if you don’t have any more questions, get the _fucking hell_ out of my classroom!”

“Do not think you’re getting away with this.” Hiashi hissed before sweeping out of the room like a spoiled and haughty princess, the rest of the parents following like an entourage. Soon, the room was empty of everyone but Kakashi and Iruka.

Still feeling the anger pushing the blood through his system, Iruka began to stuff his paperwork into his knapsack viciously. Stupid, stupid, stupid, _stupid_!!

“Why didn’t you tell me that you were being harassed?” Kakashi’s voice was quiet, but snapped over Iruka’s violent actions the same way a yell would have.

“What difference does it make?” Iruka asked savagely, vehemently stuffing the last piece of paper in and snapping it shut.

“I could have—”

“Could have _what_?!” Iruka spun sharply on his toes. “Could’ve threatened the entire damn village?! Could’ve followed me around to ‘protect’ me?! Could’ve fought for my ‘honour’?!”

The blue eye looked sadly troubled. “Well, I meant that it’s not fair that I’m receiving praise and compliments for this whole thing, but you’re getting flack and grief.”

“It’s not like you can do anything about it, so leave it alone!”

“No.” The jounin’s hands were suddenly on the desk, giving Iruka very little space to move. “It was my idea and thus my responsibility. I will _not_ just ‘leave it alone’.”

“Then _what_?” Iruka barked into the masked face that was—once again—too close to his. “Do you plan to have the Elders demand that people treat me with respect? Are you going to tell everyone that this was just some plot of yours?”

“I don’t know!”

The two glared at each other. “I…just don’t like to see you turned in to a scapegoat.” Kakashi finally said. His hands slid closer together, forcing Iruka to either rest his hips against the gloved hands or push himself closer to the firm body in front of him. “And I don’t like hypocrites like Hyuuga Hiashi getting away with it. It’s not fair that people turn to you because they think you’re a chunin and not the great Sharingan Kakashi. I don’t like it and I don’t want to see it any more.”

“I’ll make sure to tell everyone that the great Copy Ninja doesn’t like it next time I get told I’m ruining society.” Iruka sneered.

“Damn it, I’m being serious!” Kakashi snapped before forcing himself back under control. “I don’t know how to make it better, but this whole thing is my fault for letting the gossip get out of hand like this! If I would have known that it would’ve hurt you and your career this much, I wouldn’t have suggested that we let it go that way!” His hands moved until Iruka didn’t have a choice in the matter and he was gently cradling the teacher, despite his sharp words.

Iruka made himself recite the fifteen different ways chakra could be used to castrate an opponent in his head before he responded. “I’m sorry. It’s been a long day and all I want to do is go home and go to bed.”

“Are you too tired to go to a hot spring?”

He looked at the jounin warily. Going to a hot spring _did_ sound nice, but since this was Hatake Kakashi he was talking about, he felt justified in being suspicious.

Kakashi seemed to pick up on that. “I told everyone that I was waiting for you. If we don’t go out tonight, that prick of a Hyuuga will have yet another reason to be pissy.” He paused for a moment. “Oh, and I recommend talking to Inuzuka Tsume. She’ll happily help you out with your conceited Hyuuga problem.”

“What do you mean?”

Kakashi suddenly grinned, a little bit maliciously. “Apparently, right after he got promoted to jounin, Hiashi got drunk, _hideously_ drunk. I guess he was trying to drink Tsume-san under the table and he got into a ‘situation’.”

Iruka raised his eyebrow and waited for Kakashi’s sniggering to stop. “All _he_ remembers is waking up with a _huge_ headache and completely naked on the roof of the bar under an unconscious and handcuffed naked Ebisu-san and Tsume-san’s snoring nearby, also mostly naked and with a whip. She can give a better account of things, but ask to see his left shoulder. It’s still got marks.”

Iruka stared at him. “You’re putting me on.” He said finally, unable to wrap his head around the story.

“Trust me, not even _I_ can come up with something that brilliant.” Kakashi said gleefully. “He’s been denying it for _years_ , but I think Tsume-san has pictures and _everything_. She says he screams like a little girl when he comes. Ask her about it; she _loves_ to imitate it and it’s utterly _hysterical_ when she does.”

For the first time in ages, Iruka laughed. He laughed hard enough that he had troubles standing upright and his eyes and sides burned.

“Not the ‘moral upstanding citizen’ now, is he?” Kakashi asked cheerfully as Iruka wiped a few tears off of his face and tried to get his breath back.

He smiled up at the paler man. “Thank you. I really needed that.”

Kakashi stared at him, face picking up a slightly glazed look. “Kakashi-san?”

He visibly shook himself out of his stupor. “Up for that hot spring now?”

“That does sound nice. We just will have to stop so I can drop my things off at my apartment.”

Kakashi arched his eye happily and slowly let go of Iruka. “That’s not a problem.”

Well, maybe Kakashi wasn’t a completely useless and brainless buffoon, after all.


	13. Chapter 13

“Precious Love of my Eternal Rival! I have been searching Long and Hard for you or my Eternal Rival, for we have not had a Youthful Challenge to match our Mighty Skills for a Long Time! If we are to Continue to be the Best Ninjas of this Magnificent Village, we must Keep up our Strength!” Gai sparkled in front of Iruka. “Beloved of my Eternal Rival! I Challenge you!”

“I…er…while I’d…love…to…um, participate…I really can’t right now because…er…” Iruka dug frantically for an excuse to escape Gai’s shininess, _any_ excuse. “I…have to meet Kakashi-san! I, ah, am going to be late.”

The big man’s eye started to water profusely. “I did not know that you were going to meet my Illustrious Rival! Your Youthful Love and Devotions is truly a Beautiful Sight to see! If I have made you late to fulfilling your Distinguished Task, I will Run around our Exquisite Village Two Thousand Times Backwards!”

“Ah…right…” Iruka inched away, but Gai seemed inclined to follow him, all the while spewing flowery adjectives and gushing tears everywhere.

He didn’t think it was possible to be so happy to see Kakashi.

The Copy Ninja was slouching, as usual, as he talked to a blonde tart. Iruka growled. How _dare_ he be talking to empty-headed ditzes when Iruka needed to escape Gai!

The jounin lit up when he saw them. “There you are! I was just telling Tulip here—”

“Hina.” The bimbo corrected brightly.

“—That I couldn’t stay because I had to meet you.” Iruka blinked at the plea in the single eye. Was Kakashi _begging_ him? “And how fortunate that you’ve brought Gai here!” Gai stopped mid-sentence. “Bertha here—”

“Hina.” The hussy chirped.

“—Is very interested in taijutsu and nobody knows more about it than you.”

Iruka had never seen a pleasant expression slip off of a woman’s face so quickly before. Her simpering face suddenly became much uglier.

Gai ignored it. He had burst into a fresh round of loud tears. “You are too Modest and Humble, my Eternal Rival! If it wasn’t for your Extreme Talents that Encouraged me to Constantly Better myself, I could never have gotten this far!”

“Yes, well, enjoy your time with Shelia!” Kakashi grabbed Iruka’s arm and almost dragged him away over the woman’s cry of ‘it’s HINA!’ and Gai’s happy bellows.

“I don’t think I have enough words to thank you for playing along.” Kakashi said a few moments later. “I couldn’t get that creepy stalker to leave me alone! She’s up to no good, and the less I have to deal with her, the _better_.”

“Don’t have to thank me, I was trying to do the same thing with Gai-san.”

Kakashi gave him a sideways glance, before chuckling softly. “Then it worked out for both of us. Come on, let’s get out of here before they catch on.”

xXxXxXxXxXx

Iruka knew he was in trouble when Yugao and Anko stormed into his classroom with a snivelling Shizune in tow.

Anko wasted no time on pleasantries. “Shizune-san says you’re dating Sharingan Kakashi.”

“And we’re having a hard time believing that you’ve strung us along for so long just to drop us like that.” Yugao said, eyes narrowed.

Iruka discreetly started tucking the workbooks he had been grading into his knapsack. “I haven’t strung any of you along. I was clear from the very beginning exactly how I felt about the matter.”

“Ha! I _told_ you that he wasn’t interested in any of you cows—”

“I believe his exact words were ‘I’m not interested in any of you’, with extra emphasis on the ‘any’.”

The whole room turned and looked. Kakashi lazily flipped another page in his bright book and Iruka wondered how he had gotten that window open without anyone knowing—that one squeaked. “If my memory also serves me, he also said ‘leave me alone’.”

“Kakashi-sempai, how can—

“Why the hell didn’t you tell us that you were gay!” Anko interrupted. “You could have saved all of us the heartbreak and the time and effort!”

“I am not gay!” Iruka snapped crossly.

“Iruka-sensei isn’t gay!” Yugao looked irritated.

Anko put her hands on her hips. “Didn’t you listen? Kakashi-san just said that Iruka-sensei told us that he wasn’t interested in any of us!”

Shizune stopped sniffling. “If he’s gay, then it’s nothing against us.” She seemed to perk up at the thought. “And come to think of it, didn’t he say something about none of us being his type?”

Yugao paused for a moment, then nodded. “That would make sense because I can’t imagine how he would resist any of us for that long if women _were_ his type.”

“Exactly!” Anko nodded. “I mean, here we are, Konoha’s best, and you’d _have_ to be gay not to want a piece of _this_!” She cupped her breast and shoved them up.

“Did anyone listen when I said I’m not gay?!”

Iruka nearly jumped out of his skin when a long arm draped itself around him. When had Kakashi moved?! “Appreciate beauty for beauty’s sake, eh?” The jounin murmured in his ear. “I’m flattered, _Sensei_.”

“Fuck off!”

“Such _language_ …you wouldn’t want me to follow those orders right here, would you?” Kakashi’s breath was hot. “Of course, it’s not as much fun when it’s just me, but if you watch, I’m sure we both could… _enjoy_ it very much.”

Iruka twitched and made himself shift his attention to the three kunoichis so he could see if he could escape while they were distracted.

“That would also explain why he wasn’t affected when you flashed him.” Anko was saying.

“To think we were all deceived!” Shizune looked like she was well on her way to some female bonding with the other two kunoichis.

“The forbidden fruit _is_ the sweetest.” Yugao observed.

He could safely escape…if he could get that stupid heavy lump off of his shoulders. He began to plot. Step one, get rid of Kakashi ( _possible methods: Throw him at the kunoichis, stab him, ask if that wasn’t Jiraiya-sama he saw walking down the street, throwing that stupid book at the kunoichis…_ ). Step two, get out of classroom before said kunoichis started demanding that he make out with Kakashi or something ( _possible methods: Windows, door, through the air ducts, under the floorboards…_ ). Step three, hide.

He never got a chance to start listing possible hiding places because Kotetsu stuck his head in. “Iruka, the Hokage wants to speak to you.” He glanced at the people in the room and didn’t do a very good job hiding his snigger.

Yugao’s eyes narrowed and Shizune’s widened. Anko just looked unimpressed as Shizune seemed to realise that she had left the Hokage alone for more than five minutes.

Iruka shoved off Kakashi’s wandering hands and scooped up his knapsack. “Thank you, Kotetsu. I’ll be there in a moment.”

The other chunin smirked. “I’ll tell her that.”

xXxXxXxXxXx

Tsunade looked at him over the triangle her fingers made. “Hyuuga Hiashi was just here,” she stated a bit blandly. “He was…not happy with you, to say the least.”

Iruka schooled his face flat. It wouldn’t do to blow up or break down in front of the Hokage…again. “Oh?”

She flipped open a file in front of her. “He is quite unhappy with your teaching methods, and accuses you of disorderly conduct, unprofessionalism, and being a danger to the children.”

Iruka bit the inside of his cheek until he tasted blood, but said nothing.

Tsunade leaned back in her chair slightly, one red nail tapping on the polished surface of the desk. “Those are very serious charges, particularly in your position.” She was silent for a moment. “I’m sure that you feel a need to explain yourself, but I think I know what happened, more or less. There is just one point I would like to have clarified.” She returned to the position that she had been in when she had started talking. “Did you threaten to slit Hiashi-san’s throat with a kunai and tell him that your personal life was, quote,” she glanced down at her file, “‘none of your goddamn fucking business’, unquote?”

Iruka took a deep breath and squared his chin. “Something to that extent, yes, Hokage-sama.”

“Hmm.” She carefully flipped the file shut. “Well, since you are corroborating his story, you know that I will have to do something about this.” She fixed Iruka with a dark glare. “ _Bad_ chunin.”

Iruka blinked. “Hokage-sama?”

She shook her finger at him. “ _Bad_ chunin. _No_ biscuit for you. _Bad_ chunin.”

He blinked again. Did he miss something?

“Phew! Now that I’ve disciplined you properly…” Tsunade suddenly grinned evilly and shoved a huge stack of papers at him. “I could use your help here. All these idiots seem to think we owe them something and that it’s their business how I do things. If you could do something similar with them like you did with that arrogant stuffed shirt Hyuuga and put the fear of the gods into them—that or scare them shitless, either will work for me—it’d make my life much easier. Now, this complete and utter moron seems to think that if we sell alcohol only for two hours a night on Saturdays, we’ll have fewer explosions…”


	14. Chapter 14

Kakashi was trailing after him like a demented duckling again. “ _Sensei_ …” he whined nasally and Iruka gritted his teeth.

“I’m busy right now!” _Six more days_.

“But _Sensei_ , if we don’t go now, there won’t be a table left! Besides, I’m hungry.”

“And if I don’t buy some food _now_ , the market will _close_ and I’ll have nothing to eat tomorrow morning.” _Just six more days_.

He could _hear_ the Copy Ninja leering. “You could… _earn_ something with me.” He suddenly was right up against Iruka, practically plastered against his back. His nose lightly brushed Iruka’s earlobe. “I’d be flattered to make you some.”

 _SIX MORE DAYS_. “No.” He tried to elbow Kakashi, but the jounin caught his elbow and used the extra leverage to drag Iruka into an alley. “What the _hell_ —”

“Gai.” Kakashi muttered as he flipped Iruka around before Iruka could blink. “If he thinks we’re busy, he’ll go away.” He all but buried his face into the tan neck in front of him.

Iruka shut his eyes and prayed to the gods (who seemed to be _finally_ inclined to listen to him) to Make It Go Away, QUICKLY.

And to make it so he didn’t blush at every stupid thing. That’d be nice, okay? Thank you.

“He’s gone,” Kakashi mouthed into Iruka’s throat, one hand in Iruka’s ponytail and another on his hip.

Iruka wasted no time shoving the other off of him and hurrying out of the alley.

Only to nearly run into Team 10.

Ino took one look at him and started to giggle behind her hand. Shikamaru smirked and Chouji smiled, biting his lower lip. Asuma’s cigarette twitched as he grinned. “’Evenin’, Iruka-sensei.”

Trying not to act like he wanted to die right there—and ignoring the fact that he was redder than a beet—Iruka mumbled a greeting just as Kakashi shuffled out of the alley, managing to look bored and enormously pleased with himself at the same time.

Ino’s giggling upgraded into full-blown laughter and she leaned against Chouji (who was now chuckling into his chip bag). Shikamaru even sniggered a bit.

Asuma seemed to be holding his laughter in by biting hard on his cigarette. “’Evenin’, Kakashi-san.”

Kakashi nodded in acknowledgement. “Heading to the barbeque?”

“Yup. Care to join us or do you already have plans?”

“We’re getting things for breakfast tomorrow!” Kakashi chirped.

Iruka wanted to _die_.

Team 10 broke into a fresh round of laughter as Asuma tried to control the shaking of his shoulders. “Ah! Well then! We won’t keep you two any longer!” Asuma managed to get out, grinning widely.

Iruka wanted to _die_.

Kakashi waved lazily as he followed Iruka (who was wishing he had a way to salvage his tattered dignity). “Oy! Kakashi-san!”

Both ninjas turned. Asuma tossed something small at Kakashi. “You might want those! It’ll make for a better evening!”

Team 10 collapsed onto the ground, clutching their stomachs and sides as they howled.

Iruka wanted to _die_.

“Hmm,” Kakashi looked down. “Ou! ‘Extra-lubricated and ribbed for her pleasure’.” He read off of the little foil package. “I’m sure that could work that way for either gender. Thanks, Asuma-san!”

Ino looked like she was going to asphyxiate she was laughing so hard and three males with her didn’t look like they were too far behind.

Iruka wanted to _die_ , but not before he took a few people with him. “I’m going to _kill_ you!” He lunged at Kakashi.

The jounin ducked and took off, Iruka hot on his heels, screaming profanities and death promises, Team 10’s hysterical laughter fading into the distance.

xXxXxXxXxXx

“That was good.” Kakashi stretched. “We’ll have to come here again next week when they have that tuna special.”

“You’ll have to go by yourself.” Iruka picked up his grocery bag and headed for the door.

“What? But _Sensei_ , you’ll _have_ to come!” Kakashi sounded about one-quarter of his age. “You promised!”

“And that promise is done in six days.” Only six more days of this torture, and then Iruka could go back to the way life was _supposed_ to be, with no Crazy Kunoichis stalking him, no loud and obnoxious Gai challenging him, and _definitely_ no Hatake Kakashi!

Kakashi looked mildly stricken. “Already?” He shook his bushy head slightly. “I suppose that since I had you take care of Mr Ukki, you’re counting those nine days I was gone, huh?” He sighed. “Who am I going to find to go to dinner with?”

“With your _charming_ personality, I’m _sure_ you’ll have throngs of people waiting for you to grace them with your _esteemed_ presence!”

“You’ll have to save me from all of them.”

Iruka snorted. “You’ll have to forgive me when I don’t come _immediately_ rushing to your aid, Hatake-hime.”

Kakashi blinked at him, then began to laugh. “ _Princess_!” He wheezed out a few moments later. “Oh, _Sensei_ , you’ve really outdone yourself this time!”

Iruka continued on, deciding he wasn’t going to wait for the jounin to get a grip on himself.

“I’m going to miss our conversations,” the masked man said a few moments later once the laughter had died down.

When Iruka made no immediate comment, Kakashi sidled up to him. “Come on, admit it! You’re going to miss them as well!”

“Oh, of course. I’m going to miss talking to you about as much as I miss having _Strptococcus pyogenes_ and I’m going to miss you about as much as having _Yersinia pestis_ or _Treponema pallidum_.”

“You always know what say to make a man feel special.” Kakashi said fondly. “It takes a lot to be loved as much as _Treponema pallidum_.” His smile was softer than normal. “Tell me, is that _T. pallidum pallidum_ or _T. pallidum endemicum_ or—”

“Quit following me.”

“Ah, but _Sensei_! Our time together is limited! We need to make the most of it!”

Iruka twitched. “Go _away_!”

Kakashi swooped in again, breath kissing Iruka’s mouth. “But what about breakfast? And the gift Asuma-san so _graciously_ gave to us?”

Iruka sent him flying with a one well-aimed punch and stormed off, muttering evil things under his breath.

“Iruka! Iruka love, wait up!” Kakashi yelled after him and Iruka groaned.

It was going to be a long night.


	15. Chapter 15

Iruka didn’t know what his students had eaten, but whatever it was, it was made of too much sugar and food dye and therefore, _evil_. It caused his normally rambunctious class to become jittery, twitchy, crazed demon incarnates.

And detention was worse than that.

His shift in the Mission Room hadn’t been much better. Apparently, growing up didn’t always mean maturity or responsibility was gained. Was it _really_ too much to ask that people do their paperwork the _correct_ way the _first_ time and _not_ get bitchy when they had to do it _again_ because they didn’t get it right the third time? Honestly!

He was—to phrase mildly—utterly exhausted. All he wanted to do was shower, eat whatever required no thinking from his icebox, and to collapse on his bed into blissful oblivion. He’d managed to avoid Kakashi so far and if his luck continued to hold, things would stay that way.

He shoved open the door and as it closed, Iruka knew something was _Wrong_. Not a little bit off and not wrong, but _Wrong_.

His traps weren’t in the right order or the right places—

The scar on his back wrenched and he ducked and rolled instinctively.

Movement flickered and he flung shurikens in a wide radius, yanking out a kunai with his free hand. He was on his feet in a defensive stance when his arm was ripped open—

Three things were instantly clear in that moment. One, he was outclassed; two, he was outnumbered; and three, he was fucked.

Already he could feel something settling into his muscles, making them slow and sluggish.

It didn’t stop him from jamming his kunai backwards and from dropping again, this time letting gravity do the work for him.

He hit the floor hard, using the crash to jettison more weapons across the floor and prayed that a few ended up under his couch or something like that.

He shoved some of his chakra into the floor, in a last ditch attempt to leave some sort of clue as to what was happening and—

xXxXxXxXxXx

Kakashi vaguely wondered if something wasn’t quite right when he found himself surrounded by a mass of murderous-looking pre-genins carrying a variety of weapons.

One—who was wearing an impractically long scarf and goggles and holding a pitchfork that was three sizes too big for him—pointed at him accusatorily. “What did you do to Iruka-sensei!” He bellowed.

Kakashi blinked slowly. Not exactly what he expected to come out of the kid’s mouth, but hey. He could roll with it. “I didn’t do anything to him.”

“Yes, you did!” A girl whose orange hair looked like a broom someone had tried to put into pigtails accused, clutching her rake tighter.

“We know about you.” A snot-nosed kid with thick glasses informed him nasally as he shifted his grip on his hammer.

“We’ve _heard_ what they’ve said about Iruka-sensei because of you!” A short boy with bandages wrapped around his head snapped, waving a practice kunai threateningly.

“So tell us what you did to him!” The first boy yelled.

“Did he get hurt?” A thin girl—a Hyuuga, judging her eyes—asked, face dark. She fingered her shurikens.

“Is he sick?” Another girl—this one with a pink headband and thick ringlets—asked, looking murderous with her carving knife.

“Is it your fault that he got locked up?” Broom-headed girl demanded. “Did you get him locked up again?”

“Are we going to have to have that scary green man again?”

“Are we going to have to sit through more of pineapple head’s stupid boring lectures?”

“Will Iruka-sensei be okay?”

“When are we going to learn chakra control if we have the green man?”

“Why do you keep letting him get put into jail?”

 _What the…?_ Kakashi frowned slowly. “Why are you asking me this? Why don’t you ask Iruka-sensei?” He wondered how long it would be before the weapons started to fly. The kids looked more and more violent with every question asked.

Goggled Scarf glared hard at him. “We _would_ if _you_ hadn’t gotten him into trouble again!” An angry cacophony of agreement followed.

Kakashi’s frown deepened. “Where’s Iruka-sensei?”

“We wouldn’t be asking _you_ if we knew!”

Something cold started to grow in his gut. “Are you telling me that he never showed up today?”

“Well, _duh_!”

“What did you do to Iruka-sensei!”

“I want Iruka-sensei!”

“I don’t want that green man!”

“What did you do to him!”

Kakashi barely heard the children. Iruka—his reliable, anal, and punctual Iruka—hadn’t shown up for work and hadn’t arranged for a substitute.

Iruka, who was never late and never irresponsible, hadn’t gone to the job he loved.

He shoved through the mob of children and ignored their protests as he leapt onto the roofs and raced over to Iruka’s small apartment.

He shoved open Iruka’s window and peered in.

The place looked as it always had, and yet…and yet…

Something was off.

He scanned the room again and things began to fall into place. The kotatsu wasn’t exactly in the right spot; if he tilted his head the right way, he could see the indentation in the mats where it had been. There was no dust anywhere. The picture of Naruto had been switched with the picture of Iruka’s parents and both were set at different angles. The scrolls and books weren’t in perfect alphabetical order. The spider web that lived in the corner above the front door was gone (Iruka had blushed that deliciously warm blush of his and mumbled something about letting a few spiders live in his house because they kept the ants and other bugs down when Kakashi had asked about it).

He was about climb inside for a better look when he remembered the traps. He’d need the Sharingan for that because while Iruka may be much lower in rank and skill level than Kakashi, the man was _amazing_ with traps. If the chunin wanted, he could probably get bumped to tokujou for his trap making (and escaping) skills. Kakashi could honestly say he couldn’t look at common house objects like whisks and toothbrushes the same way since he had started to pursue the school teacher.

With someone like him teaching the children, Kakashi didn’t feel so hopeless about the future. No wonder that his former team had been so damn scrappy and had come up with some of the things that they had.

He pushed up his hitai-ate and scanned the window frame. Then scanned the frame again, frowning. The traps were…standard; any half-brained idiot could have set them up. They had none of Iruka’s trademark creativity and looked like they had been done by a lefty…from the outside. Iruka was right-handed and Kakashi could think of no reason that he would set his traps from the outside.

And that said nothing for the knots or the order of the traps.

It took him less than a minute to disarm the traps (if Iruka had set them, it would have taken more than fifteen), but he cut the knots off and pocketed them.

There was a puddle of chakra in the floor that the Sharingan kept going back to. He slid closer to it cautiously and focused on it. His eyes widened slightly. He recognised the chakra pattern, but it didn’t make much sense. Why would Iruka pour his chakra into the floor and in such a haphazard matter?

He brushed his fingers against it and felt fear and desperation surge up from the puddle, strong enough he had to sit down for a moment. Whatever it was, Iruka had fought a losing battle and had known it.

He covered the Sharingan and moved to get up, but hissed when his hand caught on something sharp. Scowling, he lifted up the edge of the comfortably worn tatami mat next to his hand. A shuriken blinked back at him.

Banging at the door caused him to glance up. Faint yells of ‘Hang on Iruka-sensei, we’re coming!’ filtered through the wood. He sighed. Iruka would be pissed if the nose-miners broke down his door and Kakashi let them.

He swiftly deactivated the other obviously not-Iruka’s traps and opened the door after pocketing the shuriken.

Goggled Scarf glared at him. “What are you doing here!” He yelled, trying to level his pitchfork at Kakakshi, and Kakashi watched as the children started to take fighting stances behind him.

“The same thing you all are doing, checking up on Iruka-sensei,” he said lazily. He stuck his free hand in his pocket and leaned against the doorframe. “He’s not here.”

“Liar!”

“What have you done to Iruka-sensei!”

Kakashi decided to cut off the tirades before got started. “Did your teacher tie this?” He pulled out the piece of chakra thread with one of the knots on it.

Snotty Glasses and Bandaged Head both peered at the knot. Goggled Scarf shoved Bandaged Head out of the way. “You flunked knots! Get out of the way!”

“You nearly failed them, too!” The Hyuuga snapped as she came up to Snotty Glasses (Kakashi notices that she had put her shurikens away). She turned her attention to the tiny bumps in the string.

“Iruka-sensei didn’t tie that,” Snotty Glasses proclaimed nasally a moment later and the lavender-eyed girl nodded in agreement.

“How do you know?” Kakashi asked, not letting his unimpressed façade drop.

“Iruka-sensei likes to use the hunter’s bend and the double figure eight,” the Hyuuga informed him with a slightly superior air. “And that’s a true lover’s knot.”

“He says that one is more stemetal—”

“—It’s sennimennal, idiot!— ”

“—Then he would like.” Headband Ringlets said, ignoring the interruption, no longer waving her knife around.

“An’ he says that the other two suit him, so he uses ‘em.”

“Is this a test?”

“Did we pass?”

“Do we hafta look at other knots?”

“Do we have to guess who tied’em?”

“Why are you letting us take this as a group? Aren’t we supposta do this on our own?”

“Did Iruka-sensei leave you in charge?”

“Are you going to be our new sensei?”

“Why do you wear a mask?”

“You’re not going to make us kick training posts a thousand times, are you?”

“Are you going to make us learn all the different kinds of clouds?”

“We’re not going to have to use that nasty toothpaste, are we?”

“Are you really old?”

“You’re not going to make us brush each tooth a hundred times, are you?”

“Do you know how pineapple-head get his hair like that?”

The babbling grew in noise as each child had a new question to throw at him. Kakashi took a deep breath and actually raised his voice. “I have to talk to the Hokage. If you really care about your teacher, you’ll let me go and you’ll go back to the academy and tell one of the other teachers that you need a substitute.”

The kids blinked at him. “Is Iruka-sensei in trouble?” The Hyuuga asked in a quiet voice.

“Is that why you asked about the knot?”

“Is that why you’re here?”

“What happened to Iruka-sensei?”

Kakashi debated ignoring the questions, but since it was the children who had told him that Iruka was gone and could give him real proof to bring to the Hokage, he felt he owed them at least something small. “I don’t know yet, but I think he might need some help.”

“Are you going to save him?” Broom-headed girl looked torn between being scared, worried, and starry-eyed at the idea of Iruka being rescued.

“Maybe, but I have to go now if I want to.” He pulled the door shut and heard the lock and traps reactivate.

The snot-nosed brats parted for him this time when he tried to get through. “Bye Ninja-sama!” A girl with black pigtails and what looked like vacuum parts in her hand waved.

“Good luck!” Another little boy—this one with a broken glass bottle—called out.

“Bring Iruka-sensei back safe!”

“Beat the other guys up!”

“Come back and teach us again!”

Kakashi shook his head slightly as he bounded over the roofs. How did Iruka put up with that all the time?


	16. Chapter 16

“Are you sure?” Tsunade frowned, not looking happy with the news Kakashi brought.

Kakashi shrugged slightly. “I verified the knots with his class and they all agreed that Iruka didn’t tie it.”

She sighed. “And the rest is all small things.”

“They add up to a complete picture.”

“They do.”

She sat silently for moment, long fingernails tapping the shuriken from Iruka’s house before taking a deep breath. “I’m probably going to regret this,” she grumbled, leaning forwards. “Go after him. Find out what happened. If he needs to be retrieved, do so. BUT,” she narrowed her eyes at Kakashi, “under absolutely _no_ circumstances are you allowed to Chidori anything or anyone or used the Sharingan or anything like that! This is _not_ an assassination mission! You are only allowed to kill if they are DIRECTLY stopping you from getting Iruka-sensei here. If you’re not back in five days, I’m sending out an ANBU squad. Are we clear?”

Kakashi glared a little bit. “Yes, Tsunade-sama.”

“Good. Now get out of here!”

xXxXxXxXxXx

“What?” Pakkun looked irritated as the smoke cleared.

Kakashi held out a well-worn vest. “Track.” He commanded shortly.

Pakkun raised an eyebrow slightly, but obediently sniffed the shirt. He jerked away. “No! I am _not_ tracking down your mate just because you said something stupid to him! Find him yourself!”

“ _Pakkun_!” His owner snarled once, then took a deep breath. “I didn’t have a fight with him. I have five days to find him and bring him back before Tsunade sends ANBU out and it’ll be too late by then!”

The pug blinked. “You think he was kidnapped? Why would they take him?”

“I don’t know. _Track_!” Kakashi demanded again. “And if you don’t get on it _right now_ , I’ll get someone who _will_!”

Grumbling, Pakkun took another sniff of the vest. “This way,” he said before bounding off, the jounin following him closely.

xXxXxXxXxXx

Iruka only had a few moments before they noticed he wasn’t completely useless and drugged him again. He only had a short time in which he could plan what to next.

He carefully reviewed the facts he had been able to gather in his drugged haze: There were about five or six of them, one who seemed remarkably familiar (it had taken him an obscene amount time to recognise her as Hina, the bleached tart that had been stalking Kakashi). They were running through a hilly country, and the ninjas who had kidnapped him seemed to think they could get a fairly sizable bounty for him from the Akatsuki.

That part had taken him the better half of a day to figure out. His slow brain couldn’t come up a reason why that criminal organisation would want with someone like him. He was just a schoolteacher who pulled in a few extra dollars by working part-time at the mission desk. While he was a good, solid chunin, he certainly didn’t get out enough to gain a reputation or anything like that. Sure, he lived in Konohagekure, and knew a few secrets, but he certainly wasn’t high enough in the hierarchy or close enough to anyone important like the Hokage, so he had no idea why—

 _Naruto_.

They wanted him so they could get at Naruto. It was common knowledge in the village that he and the nine-tailed vessel were very close and that Naruto would go to great lengths to protect those that he loved.

And—of course—with the rumours of him dating _the_ Copy Ninja Hatake, it made him a very, very appealing prospect for the Akatsuki. Two birds with one stone. They would think that they could use Iruka as leverage to get Naruto and Kakashi.

The only flaw with that plan would be that Kakashi didn’t care about him, which (his drugged mind muttered) was a bit disappointing or maybe a lot disappointing—it was hard to say with all the drugs affecting his brain.

He wondered vaguely about how badly it would bode for him when they found out that Kakashi was only around him because he could con free food off of Iruka.

It brought him back to his current predicament. He’d finally managed to figure it out as much as he could. The drug they’d been shoving down his throat needed to be readministered about once every nine hours or so. They were also either getting more confident, laxer, or more harried, because his conscious periods when his brain wasn’t moving at the speed of a tortoise amputee and the time that he could control his body were getting longer.

They were almost at the ‘base’, the apparent rendezvous point for the kidnappers and their Akatsuki contact. They had disarmed him, but they hadn’t put any chakra draining bonds on him (they seemed to think that keeping him drugged was enough) and they only tied him up with chakra string.

The last thing was about the only comfort he had—that, and they wouldn’t kill or dismember him (it seemed one of the Akatsuki’s favourite things to do was chop of parts of people and send them off as a warning or notice—depending on the situation—but they wanted to be the ones who did so and would refuse payments on ‘damaged’ merchandise).

Five or six ninjas and most of them about jounin level. He had no chance; the odds were against him. He could never fight all of them and live.

He smiled grimly to himself.

He couldn’t fight them, but that didn’t mean that he couldn’t make them regret ever being born.

Either he would be killed by the Akatsuki after he had been used against the people he cared about the most or he would die along the way; there wasn’t any other options.

He couldn’t win, but he sure as hell could make them _miserable_.


	17. Chapter 17

“What?” Kakashi asked tersely.

Pakkun looked up seriously. “I found one of their camps.”

“So?” It was clear that the Copy Ninja wanted to get back on the trail as swiftly as possible.

“No, you’ll want to know this. I found your teacher’s urine. They’re drugging him pretty heavily.”

A silver eyebrow narrowed. “With what? How much? How long?”

“I’m thinking that it smells like that stuff from Hidden Rock, that paralysing sedative they occasionally like to use. They’re either really dosing him in the stuff or they’re not giving him enough water because his urine is saturated in the stuff. I don’t know how long they’ve been doing it, but they’ve done it long enough for it to have passed through his system and I’ll bet they’re keeping a fairly steady stream of that stuff to keep your teacher from giving them too much trouble.”

Kakashi drew his lips into a thin line. “How old is it?”

“About a day and half, give or take.”

He nodded shortly. “Move out.” He ordered curtly.

Pakkun rolled his eyes, but obeyed.

xXxXxXxXxXx

The hazy projection didn’t seem all that impressed, but it was hard to tell with it being so blurry. “He hardly looks worth our time.” The voice that came out was tinny and fuzzy and followed two heartbeats behind the movement of the spot Iruka supposed was the mouth.

He would have been insulted if he wasn’t so grateful that he wasn’t drugged. He was also covertly working his way out of the chakra string that bond him and his captors were more or less ignoring him.

“Trust me, this is something you don’t want to pass up.” Hina—for lack of something better to call her—assured the projection. She grabbed Iruka’s ponytail and forced his head up. He growled at her from around his gag, but she paid him no heed. “This guy is practically family to the Nine-Tails. I’ll bet you can get the little fucker to come crawling to you if you rough this guy up a bit.”

“There are others who are close to the Vessel. The Uchiha brat, for example, or the other member of his team.”

“The ‘Uchiha brat’ is not entirely on good standings with his home village,” the hulk who’s shoulders Iruka had been slung across rumbled. “You might get some results with him, but this one”—he jerked his scaly thumb in the trussed up chunin’s direction—“will get you results with the entire village as well as the Nine-Tails.”

“And the bitch that was in his genin team is training under the Hokage and nobody’s crazy enough to take someone right out from under that whore’s nose.” She shook Iruka’s head and he felt his teeth clatter through the gag. “This little pansy was not only a favourite of the previous Hokage, he’s close enough to the new one that she’ll being willing to put some effort towards getting him back, but he’s distant enough she couldn’t have noticed his disappearance right away.”

“And I’m sure his lover would be willing to comprise a bit for his return.” A sleazy and oily ninja oozed, the aura of his brown-nosing only cut by the shrewd lines around his eyes.

All the kidnappers smirked coldly. “Oh, did we forget to mention? This little bitch bends over and takes it from Hatake Kakashi.” Hina leered and she lifted her fist slightly nearly lifting Iruka up by his hair, but stopping just short. He bit down to try and not make pained noises.

For the first time since the conversation began, the hologram appeared interested. “The great Copy Ninja? Took… _that_ as his lover?”

“You should see his ass,” She sneered slightly. “It seems that the Copy Ninja like ‘em pretty and tight.” The other ninjas cackled.

“Practically family of the Nine-tails and lover of Sharingan Kakashi…” The projection murmured. “I will talk to my masters on this matter. If what you say is true, they would be pleased with you and your efforts.”

“What about a reward?” A ninja with so many lip piercings that Iruka wondered how he talked at all spoke up.

“I make no promises, but they have been known to be…generous when things require them to be.” The fuzzy edges got blurrier. “No unnecessary harm should be done to it and EVERY body part must be accounted for. My masters only want the best.” It fizzed and was gone.

Iruka ignored his captors as they cackles and worked his hand free. It was time that he started to work on escaping. He didn’t think that he’d get far, but it could then be said that Iruka went down fighting until he couldn’t any more.

He was _not_ going to make things easy for them. They were going to have to _work_ for every penny they got from the Akatsuki, assuming that he lived long enough for them to collect, something Iruka wasn’t planning on.

He would _not_ be used.

And, in the moments that followed, Iruka got to find out—for _real_ —how fast a castrated ninja could move.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **WARNING! CHAPTER CONTAINS GRAPHIC VIOLENCE! IF THIS SORT OF THING BOTHERS YOU, PLEASE SKIP THIS CHAPTER AND GO TO THE NEXT ONE.**

“What do you mean, we’re out of fuckin’ drugs?” Hina snarled at the ninja that seemed to be their medical ninja (and who Iruka thought always looked high). “You said you had enough to stun a large bull elephant for three months!”

“I did.” She looked like she was trying to work up enough energy to use exclamation points, but it only seemed to leave her more exhausted. She made a tiny flicker in Iruka’s general direction. “When he threw me into the river, things broke and disintegrated, including—”

Hina slapped her, efficiently shutting her up. “I hope that if he escapes again, _you’re_ the one he kills! Ito was at least _useful_!” She kicked the other one in the general direction of the door. “If you’re even _half_ the drug expert you claim to be, get your sorry ass out there and _find_ something that will work! If you can’t find something, _make_ something! And while you’re at it, find something to ease Tang and Tichi’s pain!”

The druggie slowly slunk out of the room and Hina turned her attention onto Iruka. “I suppose you think you’re clever, don’t you?” She hissed, strolling forwards angrily. “Escaping all those times and all that. But you’re not good enough to get away, are you?”

Iruka decided he wasn’t grace her with an answer.

And it had nothing to do with rock crushing his tongue or the torn bit of uniform tied over his mouth.

“I, for one, am sick of playing your stupid little games, and since starving you seems to have no effect, I’m going to have to take more serious measures.” She gestured to the Hulk that was holding the end of Iruka’s chain. “Give me his left hand.”

Iruka struggled and managed to throw more stinging nettles at them, but since Hulk’s finger probably weighed as much as Iruka did, it was a losing battle.

She grabbed his wrist as he tried to fight. “Did you know,” she asked in a conversational tone, “that you have twenty-seven bones in your hand and wrist alone?” She snapped a finger and Iruka fought back a scream. “I’m going to break each and everyone of them.” She broke another.

“Re…remem…remember what…what the contact…contact said.” The Sleazy Bag breathed out harshly from his corner, clearly having troubles focusing on anything that wasn’t the pain.

“They said”— _snap!_ —“not to”— _snap!_ —“harm him”— _snap!_ —“ _unnecessarily_!”— _snap!_ —“And I think”— _snap!_ —“that this is”— _snap!_ —“ _completely_ necessary!” _Snap!_

Iruka shuddered with the force it took not to scream or to let the tears fall, knowing more than just his hand and fingers were being broken.

It took surprisingly short amount time to destroy twenty-five years of Iruka’s life.

He forced his head forwards to stop the rock in his mouth from hitting the back of his tongue and invoking his gag reflexes. Previous experiences with his captors told him that they won’t remove the cloth around his mouth so any bile that came up would stay in his mouth until he either swallowed it or got the gag off.

The Hulk stuffed Iruka’s now-useless hand back into the iron shackle (they had given up on charka string after they had nearly run out after Iruka’s forth escape), not really being very careful about it. Iruka bit the inside of his cheek the best he could so he wouldn’t shriek.

The Hulk took a step back, scratching his neck where the itch weed had rubbed up against him and Hina kicked out Iruka’s legs from under him. He hit the ground painfully, having lost some of the muscle mass he used to have to cushion the fall.

“And just to make sure…” She held up a small, wet bar. “Hold his ankles.”

Iruka did scream when she roughly rubbed the bar over his torn-up feet (they had taken away his sandals after the second time and he had no more chakra string to tie bark to protect his feet from the sharp soil after the fifth time). The soap had a _lot_ of lye in it. It _burned_ and ate at his already tender feet.

She stood up and watched in grim satisfaction as he writhed in agony on the floor. “Leave him there for a bit. We’ll take him back to his cell once he’s had some time to reflect on his behaviour.” She dropped her heel sharply on the side of his head and leaned her weight on it. “Let this be a lesson for you, little whore.” She turned and stiffly moved back to the table, leaving Iruka thrashing on the hard floor.

Two hours later—after the Druggie tripped on him for the sixth time and whacked his head with her crutches for the fifth time—they dragged him back into the basement and rechained his limp body to the wall behind him. They also reactivated the binding jutsu.

Iruka nearly cried in relief when his ruined feet touched the mucky water. While normally he’d be worried about infection, the water was freezing and it washed the lye out of his wounds.

He let his head hang as far forwards as the neck shackle let him. Everything he had done, and he still wasn’t good enough to escape completely.

He began to figure out ways he could kill himself when the Akatsuki came for him because if that was all he could do to protect his village and his precious people, then he was going to do it without hesitating.

He could only hope that his loved ones would understand his sacrifice.


	19. Chapter 19

Kakashi frowned as he peered in the window. Pakkun had told him that there was five ninja, but he could only count three—wait, there was one in the corner, looking worse than the others.

So where was the fifth?

“Hey,” Pakkun slid up to him, murmuring. “I did a sweep of the area and around the house and they’ve burned and buried a body recently. It’s a bit hard to tell with the charring, but I think it smells like one of their ninjas.”

“I hope you’re right,” Kakashi muttered back. “Go back to where you came from.”

“I want a steak when you get home. In fact, I think I deserve three!” Pakkun grumbled. “Don’t do anything too stupid.” He vanished.

Kakashi turned his sights on the ninjas in the small cabin.

xXxXxXxXxXx

The blond one was talking and he scowled deeply when he recognised her as the ninja who had been stalking him in the past few weeks. She had a black eye, a big bandage across her cheeks, a slightly bloody bandage around her leg, and she was moving slightly stiffly. He wondered what had happened to her as he carefully eased the window open enough for him to hear what she was saying.

“…we’ll see what they say _then_!”

“Don’t count on things too much yet.” A huge scaly figure that looked like a badly drawn comic rendition of a lizard-man growled. He scratched at a red and ugly looking rash that seemed to cover most of his body. “They haven’t paid us anything yet.” He shifted, and Kakashi noted with interest that one of his arms was in a sling and the bloody pieces of cloth on the end spoke of recent amputation.

“It’s pretty much a shoo-in by this point,” she snorted. “Hell, I think we should demand _extra_!”

A twitchy and strung-out ninja with crutches and third-degree burns and bruising on her left half of her body spoke up. “For shipping and handling?”

“That’s a good idea, too. First decent one you’ve had in ages. I told you that drugs rot your brain!” The black-eyed blonde leaned back slightly. “No, for fixing that worthless schoolteacher for them.” Kakashi reminded himself he was not allowed to kill anyone unless absolutely necessary. “If it wasn’t for our work, that stupid little pansy would be trying to escape all the time again.”

Even as he was repeating that a homicidal rage was not a very good reason for disobeying orders, Kakashi felt a stirring of warmth that his Iruka had tried to escape—

“Little arrogant fucker, thinking that the last seven times would end any differently than the first!”

—Make that a rush of warmth that his Iruka, despite the odds against him, had escaped eight times. And Kakashi would bet that didn’t count all the attempts, either.

“The attempts died down since you fix him.” Lizard-man shifted slightly and winched.

Tsunade said he couldn’t kill—

“I knew it would.” The smug look on Blondie’s face made Kakashi’s hand itch for a Chidori. He repeated the mission perimeters again—

She smirked suddenly. “Too bad the poof took away all of Teng’s equipment. We could have had some _real_ entertainment then, seeing what that tight little ass could do!”

 _Fuck_ what Tsunade said.

xXxXxXxXxXx

Kakashi shoved the eunuch in front of him, feeling little sympathy at the trouble the man had with walking. He watch as the man splashed and stumbled against the oaken door. “Open it.” He demanded.

He jammed another kunai in the man’s shoulder when he took too long. “You’re lucky that ‘poof’ got to you first, because I can guarantee you, I have no problems with making you even less of a man than you already are. Think of what’s left of the blonde up there if you don’t believe me. Now, open the door!”

Kakashi was instantly grateful he had pushed the other ninja through the door first because the man tripped and that activated a trap made of a rock, torn-up clothing, and a leg iron. He was dead before he hit the water and Kakashi thought it looked like an uncomfortable way to go.

Then his breath caught.

Against the back wall, kneeling in the cold scummy water, his Iruka slowly looked up. His face was parched and gaunt and his hair hung in greasy, limp clumps around his face. One of the hands that was shackled in front of him with rusty chains was discoloured and swollen. Under the heavy iron around his neck and wrists, Kakashi could see that flesh was raw and ugly.

But the brown eyes that looked up him were dark and burning.

“Iruka,” Kakashi whispered and the man’s face didn’t change. He was fighting on instinct, Kakashi realised, and he had to say something to snap the chunin out of it. “Iruka,” he tried again.

Iruka glared at him, probably not really seeing him.

“Sensei—”

The brown eyes suddenly widened and for the first time, recognition flickered in the endless depths. “Sss…ssse…sssttt…” The voice could barely be called one; it sounded more like someone trying to force a rusty iron box over sandpaper-covered concrete. “…tttrrr…ppp…ssss…dddntt…”

He moved—painfully and slowly—and Kakashi resisted the urge to run over to him. Iruka jerked something, and Kakashi watched—slightly amazed—as he disengaged three more traps.

Only then did he hurry over and catch Iruka’s swaying form.

It didn’t take him long to gently remove the shackles or to carefully scoop up the chunin. Iruka felt frail and brittle—two things Kakashi never would have associated with them man. But he was alive and still fighting to remain so.

Yanking the few salvageable bandages from one of the body, Kakashi carried the schoolteacher out into the small clearing. Then he hit the whole building with a fireball.

To destroy the evidence, of course.

Not because he wanted to resurrect the ninjas inside and then kill them much more slowly than he had.

Carefully sitting down with Iruka propped up next to him, he began to coax the tan man to drink a few drops of water from his canteen. He felt guilty when he had to pull it away to stop Iruka from drinking it too fast and the man had made a soft whimpering noise. He petted the greasy hair, pushing it off of the drawn face. “We’ll get some food into you once we get you patched up and more water in you.”

Iruka only closed his eyes in exhausted bliss when Kakashi let him have a little bit more water.

Kakashi bit back the fury that threatened to boil over when he got a good look at Iruka’s left hand. He knew he should have used that flesh-eating jutsu he had learned in the Rain Country on those worthless scumbags! And that way, he could have said he didn’t kill them, per se…

The damage was more than Kakashi was going to be able to fix right there; Iruka was going to have to wait until Tsunade could heal it (the thought of another medical ninja healing Iruka didn’t even cross Kakashi’s mind; Iruka was going to get the best). All he could do now was carefully wrap the hand up in a thick soft splint, put it in a make-shift sling, and send soothing chakra into it.

He also couldn’t do much for the soles of Iruka’s feet (he had to indulge in another bloody fantasy that included iron maidens, hot coals, and a pig farm before the blind rage had subsided); whatever they had done, the flesh was mangled. He gently smoothed in some cool ointment, loosely covered them, and wondered if there was a way to reanimate burnt bodies so he could kill them again, excruciatingly slow.

The raw spots from the shackles and the huge bruise on Iruka’s sunken cheek were the easiest things to treat; Iruka would possibly have some scarring from where the metal had rubbed, but it’d be minimal.

Using one of the dying pockets of fire from the cabin’s remains, Kakashi heated some water up to make up a thin, weak gruel. He would have to make broth or something else later, but for now, this would do. It would get at least a little bit of nutrients into the slightly smaller man.

It didn’t take long to persuade Iruka to eat or to erase any traces of them having been there. He smoothly scooped up Iruka again, and started for home.

Iruka let out a low cry a few bounds later. Frowning, Kakashi glanced down. He was spending more chakra than was necessary to ensure that his movements and landings were perfectly smooth, so he didn’t think that he was jarring the other man. But that had definitely been a cry of pain, so he slowly landed and balanced Iruka on his hip. “Iruka? What did I jolt? Did I miss something?”

Iruka’s better hand shook as he tapped his chest. Swearing at himself for missing a wound, he tenderly leaned Iruka up against a rock and apologised for not realising. Slowly, cautiously, he smoothed his hand over the ribs that were starting to protrude.

He froze when the chunin’s hand fell heavily on his face, the unusually clumsy fingers shoving his hitai-ate out of the way. He almost pulled it back down without opening his eye.

But he blinked and then he understood what Iruka was trying to do.

Ugly chakra bands coiled around Iruka and his chakra, tying him to the site and preventing him from getting too far away from it. Judging the way they were tied around Iruka’s bright and warm chakra, they had been tightening with every leap Kakashi had made and now were slowly strangling Iruka’s pathways.

Kakashi swore again. This was going to unpleasant for both of them and he wished for a Byakugan user. It was an invasive procedure at its best and it was hard to do; it also wouldn’t help that all he had was the Sharingan. It meant a lot of this was going to have be done by feel with only sight to guide him in the general direction. “Iruka, Iruka-sensei,” he made sure the slightly glassy brown eyes were looking up at him. “I have to cut and remove that binding jutsu on you. I’m going to have to be very personal and intrusive for it to work. It’s also going to hurt and I can’t stop that, but I’ll try to minimise it as much as I can, all right?”

The dark brown eyes regarded him before sliding shut in an obvious show of trust. Iruka even tilted his head back so Kakashi could reach the chakra points easier and he let himself be completely vulnerable.

Having not only his Iruka’s acknowledgement but his trust made Kakashi take a deep breath before going to work.

He didn’t deserve such faith, but he wasn’t about to let it be misplaced.

He went to work.


	20. Chapter 20

“Hey you!”

Shizune shrieked and threw a handful of shurikens. There was a yelp and a pug leapt out of the way.

“I’m so sorry!” She stumbled. “You surprised me!” It went unsaid that surprising a ninja was generally an all-around bad idea.

The pug glared at her. “Where’s Tsunade-sama?” It asked, a bit crossly.

She blinked. “She’s in the back room. I’ll go get—never mind,” she interrupted herself as the Hokage hurried in, probably summoned by Shizune’s earlier screech.

Tsunade took one look at the ninja dog and growled. “I am _not_ going to fix him this time! Maybe if he stays broken for a while, he’ll stop doing stupid things all the time! It’ll do the idiot some good!”

“I’m not here about Kakashi,” the dog snapped back, just as irritably. “I’m here to get you for his school teacher.”

Shizune gasped, colour running out of her face, but Tsunade didn’t even blink. “Is he at the hospital now?” She asked, heels clicking as she strolled towards the door.

“He will be within the next five minutes.” The pug trotted after her.

Tsunade nodded shortly. “Have Sakura-kun help you with the paperwork.” She ordered Shizune before slamming the door.

xXxXxXxXxXx

Tsunade was tired, angry, and in desperate need of a _very_ stiff drink. Iruka’s hand had been one hell of a fix; she had to rebreak a few of the bones because they weren’t set properly (not that anyone really could have set _any_ of the bones properly with the state his hand was in; she wondered if she knew anyone who actually knew how to set the pisiform) and she’d have to wait a week or two before she could say that his hand was healing the way it was supposed to and the muscles and tendons were reattaching themselves properly. She had enough faith in her skills to know that he’d regain full use later—he’d develop arthritis much sooner, but _that_ she could treat.

She didn’t even _want_ to think about the infection she had wrestled out of his messed-up feet or the complications that had arisen from the fact that he still was dehydrated and having troubles with solid foods —despite the obvious and doting care that Kakashi had bestowed on him.

What the hell were those people thinking? He was a goddamn _school teacher_ , not a member of ANBU! They didn’t have to _torture_ him!

 _DAMN_ , she needed a drink.

Unfortunately, she lacked alcohol of any sort, so people were just going to have to fucking _deal with it_!

“ _Report_.” She snarled at Kakashi, who about one degree shy of being plastered to door to Iruka’s room and looking a little bit like death warmed over. “And make it _fast_!”

Kakashi tucked the novel he clearly wasn’t reading into his pocket and straightened up. “Hatake Kakashi, jounin—”

“Skip that crap and get to the point!”

“Received mission and immediately retrieved something for my dogs to track. Tracked target for about four days. Arrived at their camp. Capturers resisted and thus were eliminated. Retrieved target, did basic first aid, and destroyed evidence of having been there. Removed binding jutsu and headed home. Travelled for about two and a half days. Upon arrival home, brought target to hospital for treatment. End report.”

“I told you not to kill anybody!”

“My orders were to not kill unless they directly prevented the success of my mission.” Kakashi stayed standing firmly, staring straight ahead in the proper attention position. “They directly stopped me, so I killed them. I did not use the Sharingan or my Chidori, as were my orders.”

Tsunade eyed him suspiciously. “I don’t believe you,” she snapped, “but you’re in luck because I’m going to let it go this time. Dismissed.”

She nearly walked away, but then realised that she owed Kakashi at least a little bit, especially since he mostly followed her orders for once. “Your teacher will be fine. He needs to sleep and I’ll check on his progress tomorrow, but you’re allowed to go in and see him.”

She smirked slightly when Kakashi’s shoulders sagged ever so slightly and she could see some of the tension in his body melt away. “Thank you, Hokage-sama.”

She waved it off and watched him slink into the room at twice his normal speed. It was about fucking time that Kakashi found someone to protect and maybe that chunin could whip Kakashi into shape. It was a nice little thought.

She smirked again, and then went in search of strong alcohol.

xXxXxXxXxXx

The nurse glared. “I threw you out two hours ago!” She hissed. “That means you _stay_ out!”

Kakashi gave her a bored look. “I’m keeping him calm.”

“He’s on enough sedatives and pain medications to drop an enraged hippo! You do not need to be here!” She bit out. “Not to mention that you’re in the way of his I.V. line!”

“The line is completely clear and firmly in his vein.” Kakashi drawled out quietly. “You should keep your voice down.”

“You’re in direct—”

Iruka made a soft sleepy noise and shifted his weight closer, eye lashes fluttering slightly. Kakashi tightened his hold slightly and waited for Iruka’s snuggling movements to cease. Moments later, the chunin’s breathing had evened out again.

“You need to leave, _now_!” The nurse snarled. “You aren’t—”

“What’s all the commotion about?” An older nurse with arms the size of tree trunks stuck her head in the room.

“Nee-sampai, this ninja is disturbing the rest of our patient and he will not leave.”

Nee took a quick stock of the room. “Umino-san hardly looks disturbed to me,” she observed dryly, noting the way Iruka was cuddled up to Kakashi, head buried jounin’s shirt as he breathed deeply. “Besides, with the grip he has on Hatake-san, I highly doubt that Hatake-san could go anywhere.”

“Nee-sampai—”

“Oh, let them be! If you had been listening to anything, Tsunade-sama said that Hatake-san could be here because he’s Umino-san’s lover and focus. Now go and see if there are patients who _really_ need your interference!”

“Yes, Nee-sampai.” The nurse muttered sullenly and sulked out of the room.

“I’m not really Iruka’s focus.”

“You are now.” Nee picked up Iruka’s chart and made a few marks on it. “The Hokage warned us that we might not be able to get rid of you and said it might just be easier to let you stay with Umino-san. He’s needed less medication since you’ve been here with him and he’s not nearly so restless. You clearly have a positive effect on him, so far be it from me to hinder his recovery process.”

Kakashi looked down on Iruka’s still too thin face as the nurse headed for the door. “Good-night, Hatake-san,” she said, before closing the door and leaving them alone.

xXxXxXxXxXx

Tsunade stormed into the room the next morning. “Funny thing that happened this morning,” she gritted out, voice low. “The ANBU squad I had sent out after you came back today.”

Kakashi had the gall looked distinctly unimpressed. He also didn’t stop petting Iruka’s hair.

“All _sorts_ of interesting things in their report, things like the building those ninjas were using was hit by a giant fireball.”

“I told you that I destroyed the evidence of being there. Fire is very good at doing that.”

Tsunade continued, almost as if Kakashi hadn’t spoken. “They also told me that there were four bodies inside—all of which were killed before the place was burned.”

“I already told about that. They were directly in the way of me completing my mission, so I was forced to kill them.”

“Bullshit!” She snarled. “I _read_ the squad’s goddamn report! The body they found in the basement—the only one, by the way, that hadn’t been burned to a crisp—had been fuckin’ _castrated_!”

“I didn’t do that,” Kakashi said spitefully. “Though I won’t lie and say that I didn’t want to.” He suddenly smiled viciously. “He was a eunuch when I got there.”

“Are you telling me all those amputations were just _magically_ there when you got there?”

“Iruka is very capable,” Kakashi pointed out dryly, looking both irate and proud. “I only killed them when they got in my way. Pretty much anything else—other than the burning of their bodies—happened before I got there. And for the record, one of Iruka’s traps killed the eunuch, not me. I’d never seen leg irons do that before, and it certainly didn’t look like it felt too good.” He added as an afterthought.

Tsunade scowled darkly. With the flesh turned into masses of carbonised crap, she had no way of knowing if Kakashi was telling her the truth—for _once_. Still, it didn’t change the fact that they could tell that some of the ninjas had missing body parts. “Do you have proof of this?”

Kakashi shrugged lazily. “You’ll have to ask Iruka to collaborate my story when he wakes up. I’ll say this in my defence, though; if I really had wanted them to suffer and still followed those orders about no killing, I could have used the flesh-eating jutsu or slow roast jutsu, and I didn’t.”

She glared at him, not having a good argument for that. “If I find out you’re lying…” she threatened, deciding she’d come up with something suitably terrible later. She huffed, still angry about the whole thing, but knowing that she would have done terrible to those ninjas if she had come across them torturing _her_ lover and the fact that Kakashi claimed he _didn’t_ said something.

“Keep him quiet and notify me when he’s conscious.” She snapped before leaving, deciding that it wasn’t too early to get drunk.


	21. Chapter 21

The world floated in a haze around Iruka, only now it was a warm, safe, and much nicer haze than it had been before.

Before, the fog had been edged with angry burning pain and a mindless, hopeless _need_ to struggle and fight. It was cold, wet, and restricting. Despair sat deep in his bones and fear tied him up. The haze was slowly getting thicker, promising to smother everything that made up Iruka and leave him nothing but an empty husk. He’d have small moments of glee and hope, but they were getting farther and farther between and they were crushed quickly.

Then suddenly, something cut through the fog brutally, bringing the promise of everything safe and good.

 _Sensei_.

In the moments of sudden enveloping warmth and relief that followed, Iruka knew it would all be fine. He was safe and released from the fear that bound him in seconds. His soul was given nutrients—the first it had seen in days—and his body gently cleansed of the ugly filth that desperation left behind.

He wasn’t going have to kill himself, after all. It was all going to be fine; it was good now.

Even when fear, desperation, and pain threatened to strangle him and drag him under, there was the whispered promise of it ending all soon, he was safe, _please just hold on, it will hurt but then you’ll be free, trust me, I won’t let anything happen to you_.

Knowing that it was the truth, Iruka felt safe enough to let the blackness overcome him.

xXxXxXxXxXx

He really didn’t remember much past that point. He had vague memories of flashes of green, but everything kept coming back to the overwhelming feeling of _safety_ that surrounded him. He felt cared for, treasured, like someone had recognised how long and hard he had fought and was giving him a moment’s peace.

 _You did well, Sensei_.

He remembered being tenderly coaxed to ingest health that sat too heavily on his stomach, despite it was only a little bit. Whenever things tried to drown him, tried to tell him he was worthless and this all was going to vanish, he was always pulled back to safety by the enticing and powerful warmth that seemed to always be there around him.

 _You’re going to be fine_.

Pain still hovered at the edge of everything, but it constantly chased and soothed away. Dry, cool skin kissed his temples and eyebrows softly and long fingers stroked his hair, face, back, and arms. Gentle and calming chakra kept wrapping itself around his and soothing his pain away. All the twisted things that had nearly destroyed him couldn’t get at him any more because the warmth kept them away from him. He was safe.

 _Don’t worry; I’m taking care of everything. You just rest now_.

He was safe, and that’s all that mattered.

xXxXxXxXxXx

Iruka returned to full and complete consciousness very gradually.

He didn’t want to, but something was tugging at him. It wasn’t his scar twinging, so he knew it wasn’t something he should be worried about. Still, there was something not quite normal and not quite right.

He couldn’t move his left hand, he vaguely noted, and his feet felt odd—odd in a not entirely good way, either.

But he was surprisingly warm and comfortable and safe. For a brief second, he thought that was at home and under all the extra blankets he had recently added.

He dismissed that a moment later. Home didn’t smell like this—not like fresh forest and cool musk (with a hint of dog) wrapped over medical sterility. The lighting also was wrong—too bright and white—and home didn’t have that slow, calming _lub-dub_ throbbing in his ear that kept sliding over him and promising to lull him back into his warm, safe sleep where he could…

…

…wait a moment…

…

 _Lub-dub_?

Iruka suddenly felt everything inside of him get very, very still. Not entirely sure that he really wanted to or that he should, he opened his eyes.

He blinked. Black swam in front of his eyes and it wasn’t until he blinked a second time he realised it was a black shirt in front of him. A plain black shirt—a standard issue uniform shirt, from the looks of it—that hinted at strength as sunlight cheerily streamed over it. A black shirt that was right in front of his nose and wrinkled from the way he was clutching at it, hand twisted in the fabric, cast resting on the surface.

A black shirt that was wrapped around his torso, fairly snugly.

A black shirt that was, unfortunately, clearly _not_ empty and _very_ obviously still on its owner.

The earth could swallow him right now and it would only take a small edge off of the humiliation that he knew was coming.

Feeling something that felt a lot like embarrassed dread filling his blood stream, he slowly forced his gaze up, not sure he should but unable to rest until he did.

Over more black to pale skin and over pale skin to a blue eye, one that curved into a affectionately soft and cheerful smile as Iruka’s own mortified eyes met it.

“Yo.”


	22. Chapter 22

Iruka made a noise that sounded suspiciously like a goose had just nipped his butt and tried to shove Kakashi back at the same time as he tried to jump up.

Kakashi only flinched when Iruka whacked him with his cast and then tightened his arms around the chunin. “Calm down, Sensei. The nurses will be furious if I let you get hurt again after all the time they spent to make sure you stayed in one piece.”

“Calm _down_?!” There were so many things wrong with that idea that Iruka didn’t even know where to begin. “There’s so much _wrong_ with that suggestion that I—”

“I’m glad to see you’re feeling better.” Kakashi interrupted him, smiling at him fondly. “You really had me worried there for a bit.” He stroked Iruka’s back gently, hand starting at the shoulder blades and smoothly sliding down to the small of Iruka’s back. “I know I shouldn’t have been; you can take care of yourself. I have to say, what you did back in that cabin was truly impressive.”

Shame hammered into Iruka. “You…you were there?”

“I’ve never seen someone wreak so much havoc with so little working in their favour.”

Iruka closed his eyes, feeling the humiliation filling every pore. After all he had been through, the gods _had_ to throw in the absolutely _worst_ man in the village to come after him, the only one in the village that Iruka didn’t want to have seen him in such a pathetic and broken state.

Never one to take mortification well, Iruka went to something that was much easier to deal with. He shoved at the Copy Ninja. “I’ll remember to put that down on my résumé and list you as a reference for when they ask!” He snapped rudely. “Now let go of me!”

Kakashi blinked, looking a little thrown. “Are you okay?” He asked, pausing mid-stroke. “Do you want me to call for a nurse?”

“What I _want_ is for you to let go of me and to go _away_! I don’t have to put up with this any more!”

He stared at Iruka. “What are you talking about?”

“Your time is _up_! I don’t have to put up with _you_ anymore!” All Iruka wanted to do was wallow in his own incompetence _alone_ and Kakashi wasn’t _leaving_! “So you can cut all of your bullshit out and leave me alone and I can go back to living my life without _you_ in it!”

He could see the jounin’s single eye darkening as he began to react to Iruka’s anger. “If you would be so kind to point out exactly _what_ this ‘bullshit’ is, then maybe I can consider stopping it,” he said coolly, temperature dropping in response to Iruka’s heat. “Because I have no idea what you’re referring to.”

“Oh, give _up_ the fuckin’ act! You aren’t a wounded party or a ‘caring’ boyfriend or anything like that!” Iruka ignored the pain in his hand and tried to clock Kakashi with his cast again. “All you were doing was extracting your revenge on me! I have news for you; your little revenge is _over_! I don’t have to listen to you and I _don’t_ have to put up with you! Get out!”

Before Iruka could blink, he was flat on his back, his broken hands pinned above his head. Kakashi loomed over him, all iciness and fury. “You think this is all about our agreement? Don’t you find it a touch _odd_ that I’d be here right now—in your _hospital_ bed, no less—if this was only about getting a few _favours_ from you?”

“What difference does it make! To you, I was nothing more than something to harass when you got bored or wanted free food!” Iruka shoved hard at the solid shoulder in an attempt to dislodge the ninja above him, wanting nothing more than to make the other _leave_ so he could be miserable in peace. “Now get off of me and get the fuck out of my room!”

Kakashi’s eye was hard. “You think that’s all you are to me?” His grip got painful. “You think that I’d risk myself like that for a cheap meal ticket? That I would focus on someone I didn’t completely trust? That I’d put that much effort and attention into someone I didn’t care about?”

“You were _ordered_ to come after me!”

“I was _ordered_ to find out what happened to you and to retrieve you if needed!” His hissed, forcing Iruka flat again. “I was also _ordered_ not to do more than that! And yet I found it _necessary_ to disobey that order! Now, why would I do that for some worthless punching bag?”

“So you could lord over me some more! I never asked or wanted—” Iruka started angrily, but Kakashi yanked down his masked, grabbed Iruka’s chin, and kissed him, _hard_. Before Iruka had fully processed what was happening, he was fighting back, refusing to let Kakashi push him down again. Kakashi pried his jaw open and forced his tongue into Iruka’s mouth.

Iruka growled and pushed up violently since the jounin’s hand on his chin prevented him from biting down. He nearly upset the pale man above him, but Kakashi only made a small noise and pressed in harder, biting Iruka’s lip hungrily.

The two kissed harshly, battling against each other for dominance and to absorb as much of the other as possible, tongues swirling and scraping sweetly against each other, and then Iruka realised what was happening. He ripped his head away and shoved Kasashi’s face away when the Copy Ninja took the opportunity to nip his throat above the bandages sharply. “What the hell!” He gasped out, choosing to ignore the fact that they were both panting, like they had run from the Mist Country and back.

And that had _not_ been an enjoyable experience!

“I believe that most people would call that a fantastic kiss, Sensei.” Kakashi’s voice was husky and breathless and _not_ sexy in the least.

Fighting the distraction of the bared face in front of him, Iruka snapped “what the fuck were you _thinking_!”

Kakashi raised his visible eyebrow. “Do you _really_ need that spelled out for you?” He slid his hand over Iruka’s thigh and hip with just enough pressure to be violently sensual.

“I am _not_ going to be your fuck toy now on top of everything else!”

“Did I say I wanted a fuck toy? I have no interest in one, much less have you be it.” The hand now caressed his side, coming dangerously close to gliding under his hospital standard-issued shirt. “And before you start, I also have no desire to have a live-in whore, a bed warmer, a stress release, a conquest, friends with benefits, or anything else like that.”

Iruka stared at him and slapped away the hand almost as an afterthought. “You can’t mean—you didn’t—you can’t be—you’re not—you’re not interested!”

Kakashi’s eye darkened further. “Don’t you _dare_ say that!” He snarled vehemently. “I am _way_ beyond being ‘interested’!”

“The hell?!”

“I was ‘interested’ when you had the gall to swap places with me in the middle of that kunoichi fight. I became fascinated when I learned about you because—while a bit passive-aggressive—you take _nothing_ from _anyone_ lying down! I left that and became possessive when I came home and found you sleeping on your schoolwork, like you felt _safe_ there! I became committed when I saw you there in that cell, alive and fighting despite everything and goddamn it, it was the most fucked-up, twisted, and amazingly beautiful thing I’ve _ever_ seen in my entire life! I am so fuckin’ _beyond_ ‘interested’ it’s not even _funny_!”

And then Kakashi was kissing him again, mouth unforgiving and tongue urgent. Iruka thought he might have made a protesting noise, but it was hard to tell when his brain was trickling out of his ears.

Iruka managed to wrestle his mouth away a few moments later, breaking the saliva that connected their mouths. “You gave me absolutely _no_ indication—”

“You mean the last five weeks haven’t been _enough_? I dragged you out to just about every romantic activity I could think of and to all places in the village! I had you _house-sit_! I’ve done just about everything short of stripping myself naked and throwing myself at you.” The corner of Kakashi’s mouth twitched suddenly. “I could do that, you know, if you think it will help. It might be… _fun_.”

Iruka tried to punch the leer off of Kakashi’s face, but Kakashi moved suddenly and then their mouths were mashed together again.

“I gave you _every_ indication,” Kakashi murmured across Iruka’s bruised lips. “You chose to ignore them. Or is it a common occurrence in your life to be completely trusted by high-ranking, high-profiled ninjas when they’re most vulnerable and weak?”

“What—” Iruka began, a bit dazedly.

“A three-year-old could have killed me when I made you my focus.” Kakashi’s lips glided over Iruka’s scar and down towards a tan ear. “I can only afford to be that helpless in front of those I trust completely and implicitly.”

“That _hardly_ equates—”

“There is also the matter of the rumours. If I wasn’t all right with the idea of being your boyfriend, don’t you think I would have set the record straight?”

“I doubt that—”

“And it would have _stayed_ that way if I had done so.” Kakashi sucked slightly on the spot behind Iruka’s ear and got a hand under Iruka's shirt before Iruka batted it away sharply. “Didn’t you notice how almost all of the ‘favours’ required that you spend time with me? Or that I was willing to risk my reputation and safety for you?”

“You still insisted that I pay, you _thick-headed_ —”

“Now, be nice.” Kakashi licked a slow and tender path around the edge of the bandage on Iruka’s neck while Iruka tried to pry Kakashi’s head away from him. “You only paid in name. You can stop yelling at that cute teller because I had a friend put in enough for at least half of the cost of every one of our dates into your account, so it really wasn’t her fault at all. And I won’t give you those sales slips back, either.”

“How _dare_ you—”

“You told Ibiki-san that you thought that he should review my file and should consider that I got one of those mad house vacations.” He licked another path up the tendons in Iruka’s neck. “And then you tried to bury me in bureaucracy!”

“You ARE crazy and you _deserved_ —”

“And let’s not forget I risked life and limb for you.” Kakashi rose up enough to gaze down at Iruka. “Hyuuga Hiashi is spiteful man who won’t forget that I slighted him in front of a bunch of commoners and is probably still plotting my demise as we speak. And those kunoichis certainly were a formidable barrier. I had to be _serious_ about you to brave them for your affections.”

Iruka managed to wrestle his wounded hand free and braced himself as he tried to knee Kakashi. “Forgive me for not _immediately_ falling for your _charm_ , but your courtship skills left a little bit to be desired!”

“You’re not much better yourself. I also want to point out that I hung around, even after you put rotting fish scales in my bed, taped scientific reports on the decomposition of genital pus—complete with coloured _pictures_ of old, diseased people, no less!—in _all_ of my _Icha Icha_ , and dyed all of my bandages hunter’s orange, to name a few of the more notable events I’ve had in the past few weeks.” Kakashi pointed out and used the opportunity to press his thigh between Iruka’s legs.

“I wasn’t _trying_ to court you!” Iruka snapped, pushing hands out from under his shirt and ignoring the seductive smoothness of cool scarred skin as it brushed his heated stomach as much as he could. “Nor am I _going_ to! You deserved everything that happened to you!”

And he _didn’t_ find Kakashi’s face to be intriguing, at _all_!

“I didn’t think I fully deserved the mouse traps around my bed and my alarm clock or those missions you gave me to clean the school’s bathrooms after the whole first class came down with the stomach flu,” Kakashi bit Iruka’s ear lobe as he slid his hands down to tilt Iruka’s hips to a more intimate position. “Anyhow, I don’t expect you to start wooing me now; we’re a little late in the relationship for that.”

“We don’t _have_ a relationship!”

“Yes, we do,” Kakashi said. “I’ve worked hard for this and I’m not going to let something as amazing as you just walk out of my life. You’re _mine_.” He emphasised his point by roughly nipping Iruka’s neck again and pushing his hands under Iruka’s shirt once more, trying to get it up so he could touch skin more freely.

“I am _not_ something to be possessed or owned!” Iruka snarled furiously and a little bit frantically, fiercely smacking hands and mouth away as best he could and trying desperately to regain some semblance of reality because he sure as _hell_ wasn’t in one.

“Fine, I’ll be yours, then.” Kakashi forced his leg further between Iruka’s and shoved his torso closer. “I don’t give a damn about that stuff. As long as you’re with _me_ and _only_ me, I don’t care if you’re mine or I’m yours or whatever.”

“Love is lost with the word ‘mine’.” Iruka hissed.

Kakashi smirked softly—without the mask, it would probably make women swoon—and leaned forwards. “I’m glad that you feel the same way as I do.”

It took him a moment to realise what he had said and what Kakashi meant. Iruka started to squawk in a combination of emotions a bit belatedly, but Kakashi’s lips slid over his, suddenly tender and sensual.

Iruka let out a noise of protest— _not_ a whimper—and grabbed the front of Kakashi’s shirt to throw him off— _not_ to hold him there; it wasn’t his fault that Kakashi was a lard butt and thus he couldn’t push him off properly!

And he was _not_ arching up to encourage Kakashi to kiss him deeper.

Not at…all…

…not…in…the…

…

…

 _Gods_ the man knew how to kiss!

“Iruka,” Kakashi murmured across Iruka’s swollen-feeling lips. “ _Iruka_ …” His mouth came down at the same time Iruka pushed upwards, tongues tangling too quickly. His long fingers tangled in Iruka’s hair, encouraging Iruka to tilt his head more so they could kiss even deeper—not that much encouragement was needed.

Kakashi’s free hand slid down and cupped Iruka’s butt. He groaned deeply into the chunin’s mouth, long fingers caressing and groping the muscles. He yanked his mouth away suddenly and buried his face into the neck in front of him. “ _Gods_ , Iruka!” He moaned, and tightened his fingers before jerking up, forcing their hips together in a compromising position—one Iruka immediately took advantage of by rolling his body forwards.

Kakashi made a needy noise and then his mouth was back where it belonged and his tongue happily went in search of Iruka’s throat.

It was Iruka who broke the kiss this time. “This is going to end badly!” He gasped, grasping at the remnants of his anger and knowing in the back of his head that they really, really, _really_ —

“Only if we let it.”

And then Kakashi’s mouth was back and he was sucking on Iruka’s tongue and lips like he could remove all Iruka’s doubts with the force of his mouth alone. He groped Iruka’s ass again, fingers hungry.

“I don’t like you!” Iruka tilted his head back, letting Kakashi have complete access to his throat, even as his good hand was fisted in the silver hair and yanking the head away.

“I like you,” the jounin moaned, hands still fondling the chunin’s butt impatiently. “And I think you’re in denial.”

“Who the _hell_ do you think you are to tell—”

“One of the first things out of your mouth whenever Anko or Shizune or Yugao were around was that you weren’t interested in them romantically,” he murmured into Iruka’s ear, tongue flickering out to tease the lobe. “And I’ve been making out with you for the last twenty minutes and you’ve said nothing of the sort. You’ve even responded—quite enthusiastically—and had a few little Freudian slips, to top things off.”

“Those—that—that hardly constitutes as—” Iruka bit off his words and the moan that immediately followed them as Kakashi chose that moment to sharply bend his knee, forcing his thigh up and the same time his hips thrust into Iruka’s. Iruka’s eyes rolled back a bit and he couldn’t stop his body from jerking up in response.

“I like you, Sensei,” Kakashi breathed across Iruka’s mouth. “Risky and stupid as it is, I want to have a relationship with you, even though you’ll punch me into walls and play mean pranks on me. You won’t let me push you around, you refuse to become the passive one in any relationship, and I know that anyone stupid enough to try and kidnap you is going to pay for it long before anyone shows up in pursuit. You’re wildly attractive and you _burn. So. Hot_.” He breeched the hairs’ breath of distance between them.

Iruka realised, a few moments later, that he had been the one to push the kiss deeper and it was his tongue in Kakashi’s groaning mouth. He recognised a little bit after that—when Kakashi’s scarred hand slid under his shirt again—that perhaps, he wasn’t doing the best job of convincing either one of them that he wasn’t interested in Kakashi and that he didn’t like the other man.

Because he didn’t. And he wasn’t.

At all.

…

…he was going to tell Kakashi that right after he found out if the skin on the jounin’s back was as scarred and sensitive as the skin on his hands. It was a purely scientific experiment—

“Ahem.”

Oh, who the hell did he think he was kidding?

He was a _grown man_ , for pete’s sake! He could admit that he was attracted to another man—even _if_ that other man was annoying, perverted, and could kill him in 53 different ways in a heartbeat. It didn’t mean that he _liked_ the other man; just that he was _attracted_ to him.

It just meant he had bad tastes and the misfortune to be attracted to—

“ _Ahem_.”

Kakashi tightened his grip on Iruka’s ass again and pulled their bodies closer together.

—An annoying, perverted idiot who was also was promising to be _incredible_ in bed. And with things as they were, life wouldn’t ever be blissfully boring, ever again.

“ _AHEM_.”

Oh well, boredom was vastly overrated, anyhow. Boredom didn’t promise to leave Iruka more well-fucked than he’d been in _ages_ like Kakashi was currently promising to leave him.

And for the record, there _were_ some scars on Kakashi’s back that made him arch and writhe.

Iruka decided to find out if there were any on Kakashi’s stomach and then—maybe—hips.

“ _AHEM!_ ”

Kakashi’s mouth tasted good—Iruka vaguely wondered if the last five weeks had been completely wasted; he could have been having amazing make-out sessions and getting his brains screwed out instead of hiding from crazy women.

Suddenly, Kakashi was gone. His mouth and weigh vanished, leaving Iruka feeling bereft and cold and more than a little confused.

“When I said notify me when he wakes up, I didn’t mean three sex scenes later!” Tsunade roared, shaking and then throwing Kakashi into the wall across the room. Kakashi—who already had his mask up and a handful of shuriken out—looked disgruntled and more than a little bit mussed. “And you could’ve at _least_ had the decency to KNOCK IT OFF when I entered the room and made my presence known! You’re lucky that I—”

She stopped cold and stared at Iruka. A thin trickle of blood started to dribble out of her nose. “Umino, wipe that dazed ‘please fuck me’ look off of your face _right now_ and get presentable!” She snarled as she turned sharply away, fingers pinching her nose and head tilted back to stop the blood from getting all over her robes. “And put that bedpan down!”

Kakashi growled slightly and tried to cross the room. Tsunade shoved him into a chair back against the wall. “You’re staying _there_ until I say so!”

Iruka—face flaming—pulled down his shirt and tried to straighten his hair as much as he could. He didn’t want to imagine a more humiliating experience. To be caught—by the _Hokage_ , no less!—making out like a horny teenager with the biggest pervert in the village…to be caught making out with a man he didn’t even _like_ …And then to threaten the highest-ranking ninja in the village with the first weapon he could find—which was a stupid _bedpan_ —because he got startled out of said make-out session…

Iruka wanted to _die_.

“Right,” Tsunade said a few moments later, a few wads of tissue sticking out of her nose, “Hatake, get out. Umino, sit up so I can do a check of you and while I’m at it, _report_. What the fuck happened?”


	23. Chapter 23

Iruka noticed that Tsunade didn’t make a move to throw Kakashi out when the masked man didn’t stir and it was clear that he wasn’t going to leave. If the Hokage wasn’t going to force the other man, Iruka decided that it didn’t matter if he heard or not.

“Umino Iruka, chunin. Reporting—”

“Just skip that crap and tell me _what HAPPENED_.”

Iruka took a deep breath and —in as succinct a way as possible—told what had happened. He made himself report of the drugging and capture; he worked his way through the reasons behind his kidnapping; he forced out the history of his attempts and escapes (Kakashi had started to twitch somewhere in middle and Tsunade had told him to either shut up or get out); He managed to get through the torture scene without Tsunade or Kakashi breaking something (but the glint in both of their eyes didn’t bode well for the remains of the rogue ninjas who had masterminded the entire event); and he did NOT blush as he recounted the warm safety that had gotten him home.

Kakashi looked torn between being murderous and touched by the end of the narrative.

Tsunade scowled and folded her hands in front of her face. She sighed. “You did well, Iruka-sensei. I doubt that anyone else would have as much success as you did. Since the ninjas in question are already dead, I don’t have to immediately assign a protective detail to you, but I might have to in the very near future.”

“Hokage-sama—” Iruka started in dismay

“No, they were right. You are probably one of the most valuable people in this village right now and those ninjas were on the money with kidnapping you. You have very good connections with every important person in this village and you have very strong relationships with two of the best Konoha has to offer. News of this _will_ get out, no matter what we do and you’re going to be targeted by hundreds other ninjas, sooner or later. It might take days, it might take years, but it’s going to happen, and you need to be aware that I’m going to put a protective detail one you at that point and you’re going to _smile_ and _deal with it_.”

Iruka bit his cheek. “I understand, Hokage-sama.”

“In the mean time, I want you to focus on healing. You have two more days to be here for poison observation, so don’t expect to be getting out immediately. Your hand will be fine”—Iruka couldn’t stop the complete release of tension and he nearly collapsed back on to his bed—“but you’ll probably get arthritis sooner, but I’m working on getting you signed into that cartilage regrowth and repair programme we have here, so that should help. I was able to rebuild and fix the soles of your feet; they’ll be tender for a bit and you had better not do _anything_ to rip open all that work I did on them! We’re going to start you on solid foods this evening, and you’ll need to stay here for observation for that, but since you have to be here for poison observation anyways, it’s not going to be a problem.” She stood up. “You _will_ take a vacation of at _least_ a week once you leave the hospital and I’m thinking it needs to be two weeks. No argument!” She snapped over Iruka’s immediate protest. “That’s an _order_ from not only your doctor but your _Hokage_!”

Iruka swallowed a snarl. “Yes, Hokage-sama.”

“GOOD.” She turned and glared at Kakashi. “Keep your wandering and perverted hands to yourself! I don’t care how kinky he is or how much you think you need to reassure yourself of his existence! I won’t have another person come in and be subject to the horrors of watching you make-out with someone. Once you’re back behind closed doors, you can do what you like, but there will be no sex with my patients in this hospital! If I hear you’ve done _anything_ and I’ll assign you on a month-long mission with Gai, Hiashi, and Shikamaru to find a rotten egg in the foulest swamp I can find! Are we clear on that?”

Kakashi gave her a dirty look. “Yes, Hokage-sama.”

“GOOD.” She snapped. “Both of you are dismissed!”

They blinked as she swept out of the room.

Kakashi crossed the room the moment the door shut and had Iruka neatly nestled against his chest before Iruka could fully realise he didn’t have any weapons on hand. “What the—Hokage-sama said—”

“She may have said I can’t do anything fun with you, but she can’t stop me from holding my boyfriend.”

“I am _not_ your boyfriend!”

“Yes, you are.”

“No, I’m _not_!”

“Okay, give me one good reason why you don’t think that this could work.” Kakashi said, sounding smug and like he had an answer for any excuse that Iruka might think of, making Iruka steam.

“You go out of your way to be an obnoxious, useless, and annoying _prickwad_ , for starters!” Iruka snapped, trying to work his way out of the jounin’s grip enough that he could push the call button to get a nurse to throw Kakashi out.

“Well, if you were predictable, that wouldn’t have been a problem because I’d gotten bored and left you a long time ago.” Kakashi pointed out cheerfully. “But you’re so damn _unpredictable_ , I have to see what you’ll do next. It’s fantastic to never know what will happen.”

“Getting off on annoying me just because you think it’s _funny_ to see what I’ll do next is _hardly_ —”

“I can’t help it.” Kakashi shifted his grip so Iruka couldn’t get at the call button. He nuzzled the curve in Iruka’s neck. “You’re so _alive_ and it keeps reminding me that I’m human. I feel less like a cold machine when I’m with you.” Lips brushed tan skin through his mask. “Since you kept turning down my offers to make you scream in passion, I had to settle with making you howl in frustration.”

“And this is a good basis for starting a relationship _how_?” Iruka snapped, tried to ignore the warm spikes that were shooting through his system.

“You make me feel alive and good; what’s wrong with wanting to return that feeling?” Kakashi murmured, face still buried in Iruka’s neck. “Anyhow, I don’t have to _be_ the Great Copy Ninja with you; I can just be plain old Kakashi and you expect nothing more than that; you _don’t_ want anything more than that.”

Iruka swallowed hard. “You—you don’t—you never—you…” He trailed off into a quiet groan as Kakashi pulled his mask down and began to gently suck the small patch of skin between Iruka’s shirt and his bandage on his neck.

Somewhere, in a far-off land where he didn’t have some crazy, sexy, powerful ninja set on worshiping his body, Iruka knew he was doing a pretty poor job of convincing Kakashi of why a relationship between them would inevitably fail.

If he wanted to be honest, he knew he wasn’t doing a bang-up job of persuading himself, either.

“I can’t promise that I won’t do things to purposely annoy you in the future,” Kakashi murmured, arms cradling Iruka close, “because you respond to things so freely. But I can say I’ll no longer do it all the time. I’ll have”—his long pale hand suddenly slid down and stroked the top of Iruka’s thigh—“ _better_ things to do to get a strong reaction out of you.”

Iruka let his head fall back onto Kakashi’s shoulder. “No more pretending that we’ve just made-out in public!” He gasped out as Kakashi took the opportunity to nibble on the hollow of his throat. “And no public make-out sessions, either!”

Hands still sliding up and down Iruka’s stomach and thighs, Kakashi lifted his mouth only enough to speak. “But _Sensei_ ,” he breathed, making the tan body in his arms shudder, “how can you expect me to keep my hands to myself?”

“It’s—it’s called self—self-restraint.”

“Mm, I never touch the stuff if I can help it. Anyhow, you’re hot enough to throw anyone’s self-restraint out the window.” One scarred hand slipped down and pawed at the side of Iruka’s butt. “One look at that ass and people are done for.”

“Flattery—won’t get you anywhere.” Iruka followed the persistent nudging of Kakashi’s nose and tilted his head to the side so Kakashi could nibble on his neck above the gauze. “And I won’t fuck you in a classroom.”

“We’ll see about that.” Kakashi paused. “So does this mean I can be your boyfriend?”

“I’m never going to get you to go away if I say ‘no’, am I.”

“I knew you’d come to right side eventually.” Kakashi kissed him before he could snap out a reply.

Iruka thought he might have to do something to keep Kakashi from becoming _too_ smug. Would it be considered abuse if he tied Kakashi to the bed and didn’t let him get off…?

He slowly opened his eyes and froze. Kakashi noticed and frowned. “Iruka?”

He followed the chunin’s gaze and saw a glaring Hokage.

 _Oops_.

He cover Iruka’s ears at the same time he buried his face behind Iruka’s shoulder, not a moment too soon.

“ _I SAID TO KEEP YOUR DAMN PERVERTED HANDS TO YOURSELF!!_ ”


	24. Chapter 24

Iruka slammed his door shut, grateful to _finally_ be out of the hospital and away from Tsunade’s anger and the well-meaning visitors.

And now that he was home…

“I think we should order out.” Kakashi kicked off his sandals and nudged them into a semblance of order. “I doubt that anything that you—”

He was promptly cut off by Iruka launching himself at him and kissing him hard.

“You’re…a fuckin’… _tease_!” Iruka snarled out between sharp mashing of their mouths. “You…keep...starting things…and _never_ …following through!”

Kakashi pinned Iruka to the wall near the door. “Not…my fault…that hag was _always_ there.” He bit Iruka’s lower lip, stopping just before he drew blood.

“You…could have _not_ groped me…at every possible chance!” Iruka threw his leg over Kakashi hip and urgently pressed forwards. He groaned when Kakashi rolled his groin into Iruka’s roughly.

“Can’t help it…” The jounin grunted, moving his mouth to the newly healed throat in front of him and threw his gloves into a corner somewhere. “Too _hot_ to resist…” He grabbed Iruka’s ass and lifted him up so Iruka could wrap both legs around him.

Iruka clawed Kakashi’s shirt and vest off, hands having waited too long for the expanse of skin. Kakashi kissed him sloppily when he pinched the pale man’s nipple. “You’re just horny!”

“And…you’re not.” Kakashi agreed as he started working his hands into Iruka’s pants. “Completely…in control of…yourself.” He sucked demandingly at the neck in front of him, leaving another red mark. “Which is why…you initiate half…of these things.”

Iruka let out a low cry when Kakashi’s long finger began to trace his entrance. He dug his fingers into the strong shoulders holding him up. “Get my pants off… _now_!”

“Hope you have some lube,” the jounin mumbled as he forced the chunin’s legs up as he yanked the pants off only far enough so he had complete access, not having the patience to pull them off entirely, causing Iruka’s legs to be forced from their spot on Kakashi’s waist up to the side of the jounin’s rib cage. “’Cause you threw mine when you tossed my vest.”

“Check my…check my vest pockets,” Iruka gasped out, having troubles getting his brain away from the blinding pleasure. The other man kept _groping_ his ass and letting his fingers skate between the two cheeks.

Kakashi seemed to have troubles getting the lubricant out and opened, but it could have more to do with the fact that he had an _incredibly_ aroused chunin clinging to him hungrily and trying to hump his stomach frantically than actual clumsiness.

Iruka threw his head back and smacked it hard against the wall behind him when a long finger _finally_ worked its way inside. “ _More_!” He bit out.

“Shit, Iruka!” Kakashi mutter, sounding strained. “It’s been a while for you, hasn’t it? You’re almost as tight as a virgin!” He swiftly slicked up another finger and slid it in.

“Better control then virgins…” The chunin shut his eyes and concentrated on loosing up his greedy muscles.

Kakashi made another wanton noise and shoved a third finger in. He slammed his mouth down on the chunin’s and used his body weight to press the other more firmly against the wall.

Iruka wailed when Kakashi _finally_ got his sorry act together and replaced his fingers with something much better. “ _Fuck_ me, you lazy moron!”

The silver-haired man twitched slightly, then he yanked back and let Iruka’s weight slam him back down on his cock. Both howled and Iruka clawed the other man’s back and shoulders in an attempt to get more friction, a better grip, _anything_ so he could get Kakashi to thrust harder and faster.

Kakashi grabbed one of the tan legs in front of him and tossed it over his shoulder so he could grab Iruka’s butt again. “ _Fuck_ ,” he snarled and tried to press in deeper. He jammed his tongue back into the tan man’s throat.

Iruka lost all semblance of control when Kakashi slammed his prostate up into his stomach. He hadn’t had a lover who was so willing to make him completely and mindlessly incoherent in _far_ too long and Kakashi seemed determined on making sure that he set the bar ridiculously high for anyone in the future.

Sweet _gods_ above, Kakashi was efficiently killing every brain function that Iruka might have even _dreamed_ of having.

It was fuckin’ _fantastic_.

The windows in Iruka’s apartment rattle when he came harder than he had in absolutely ages.

His brain exploded a moment later when Kakashi buried his teeth into Iruka’s throat to stop himself from following Iruka’s noisy example, only allowing a pained snarl to escape as he flooded Iruka’s body with his semen.

Panting, Kakashi let his forehead fall against Iruka’s shoulder. “ _Damn_ Iruka, that was… _fuck_. Fuckin’ _incredible_.”

Iruka made an out-of-breath noise of agreement. “You can stay.”

The Copy Ninja pulled back and scowled slightly. “I give you the fucking of your _life_ and all you can say is that I can stay?”

“Mm,” Iruka looped his arms around Kakashi’s strong neck. “You have a lot to make up for.” He lightly kissed the frowning mouth. “Five weeks of things to make up for.”

Kakashi glared at him, but the corner of his lip twitched. “How much did that make up for?”

“Not nearly enough.” Iruka muttered as he pulled the mouth back.

“I’d better get to work then, shouldn’t I? Particularly since I have such a huge… _debt_ to pay back.” Kakashi murmured across Iruka’s lips.

“Damn straight.” Iruka gasped out as Kakashi began slowly grinding against him.

“No time like the present.” The jounin grinned darkly and then transported them to the bedroom.

Iruka got the distinct feeling he wasn’t going to be walking straight for _months_.


	25. Chapter 25

“Knock it off!” Iruka swatted at the scarred hand that tried to slide into his pants. “I have to make sure that this is ready for my substitute!”

“Mm,” Kakashi nuzzled the back of Iruka’s neck. “You’re beautiful, did you know that?”

“You don’t _ever_ get tired, do you?” Iruka grumbled, stuffing everything into a folder and tilting his head forwards slightly.

“Your appetite is as good as mine is,” Kakashi slowly stroked the waistband of the loose sweatpants Iruka was wearing. “It’s amazing.” He gently started to trace lines with his tongue to connect the hickeys and bite marks on Iruka’s neck and shoulders. “And I’m finally allowed to touch you. I’d have to be catatonic or brain-dead to pass this opportunity up.”

“Didn’t I already tell you that flattery would get you nowhere?”

“Are you done yet?”

“Almost.” Iruka got stiffly and slowly to his feet, pushing the amorous jounin off of him and shuffled over to his door. He felt the blue eye watch him as he stuffed the folder into his mailbox.

“Do you need me to heal you again?” Kakashi asked, sounding concerned.

“I think there’s a limit to how many times a person can be healed in a day and I’m pretty sure we’ve crossed it at _least_ three jutsus ago.” Iruka snapped.

“So, no more tonight?”

“No!” Iruka glared. Kakashi had no _right_ to act like this! It wasn’t Iruka’s fault that he hadn’t gotten laid in forever before the stupid Copy Ninja had come along! He was _still_ sore, even _after_ the last healing jutsu! “It isn’t like you’ve been deprived all day!”

Not that Iruka was _complaining_ ; it was just that Kakashi needed to be reminded of the fact that despite the fact that the afternoon had been _very_ enjoyable, there were _repercussions_.

The jounin lazily got up and sauntered over, pale skin standing in stark contrast to the scratches and bruises that littered his torso. “It’s not that I didn’t get any…I don’t think I’ve gotten enough, _Sensei_.”

“Seven times in one afternoon wasn’t enough?!” Iruka’s hands balled up into fists.

“Nine,” Kakashi smugly corrected. “And do you really think I’d be satisfied with only nine times after I’ve finally gotten a taste of what a real relationship with you is like?”

Iruka swung his fist at the smirking face. “Get _used_ to—”

Kakashi caught his fist and used the momentum to pull Iruka in close and kissed him.

Iruka smacked him with his cast. “We were having a _discussion_ here!”

“No, we weren’t. You were going to yell at me instead of spending time making the most of the fact that we have free time now.” He scooped up Iruka and hauled him into the bedroom.

“I’ve already said no more sex!” Iruka snarled as Kakashi dumped him on the messy bed.

The Copy Ninja tsked. “Now, now, _Sensei_ , not everything is about sex, even with someone as hot and horny as you are.” He crawled on to the bed, looming over Iruka. “What if all I wanted to do was cuddle?”

The teacher snorted. “I doubt that, because you’re a crazy idiot who can’t keep his mind out of the gutter for even two seconds!”

“Oh, _Sensei_ , stop it! You’re going to make me blush!” Kakashi caught the leg that was trying to kick his knee out and hooked it over his waist. He tugged Iruka off balance and tucked the chunin against his chest as he tugged a blanket over them both. “Much better.”

Iruka growled, but didn’t pull away. Kakashi was warm and his chest was firm under Iruka’s head. It not only was deliciously intimate and comfortable, it wasn’t sitting.

“You need a bigger bed.” The pale man murmured into brown hair a moment later. “Not that I don’t like how close we are, but this doesn’t exactly leave a lot of room for experimentation.”

“What the hell do you mean by that?!”

“Rumour has it…” Kakashi breathed hotly, “that you have an… _unconventional_ streak in bed and I want to see how much of it’s true.”

“YOU started that rumour!” Iruka hit the pale chest in frustration, much the same way one hits a brick wall in anger.

“Tsume-san started that one back when we first started dating.”

“We _weren’t_ dating then!”

“If it makes you happy to say that, then okay.” Kakashi winced as Iruka dug his heel into his back.

“What would _you_ call it?” Iruka asked darkly, voice warning of dire consequences.

“Let’s see, we were going out together and were exclusive—”

“Wait a damn second!” Iruka squawked, realising where this was going.

“—And I trusted you when I was vulnerable…I don’t know, dating, maybe?” The jounin grinned as tightened his grip, effectively pinning Iruka’s arms and preventing another punch to the face. “Now, _Sensei_ , I’m comfortable right now and I’d hate to move.”

Iruka glared at him and decided that arguing with imbeciles was beneath him.

And it had nothing to do with how sore he was.

Besides, Iruka now knew where Kakashi slept.

As the pale man lightly kissed his forehead and murmured ‘good night’ in a smug voice, Iruka began to figure out exactly what he could get away with before things fell in the category of ‘abuse’; surely rotten tomatoes were considered ‘not abusive’…


	26. Chapter 26

Life _finally_ settled down. Iruka no longer had crazy, hormone-driven women to make his life miserable. His class had a whole new level of respect for him. Gai left him alone after a small little ‘incident’ that involved mimes, rosemary, the morgue, cooking oil, and gerbils. The gossip mill had moved on to Aoba’s love life and no longer focused on Iruka’s (though, it liked to occasionally make fun of how ‘whipped’ Kakashi seemingly was). He was getting laid (and it was _utterly_ incredible, thank you _very_ much) on an incredibly regular basis. And now, he could kick Kakashi in the shins whenever the lazy bastard didn’t do his reports right.

It was a very gratifying experience.

Kakashi also no longer kissed him in front of his students—it was amazing how loudly a full-grown ninja could scream when he found those giant hungry leeches (Iruka _had_ warned him about the plumbing; _really_ he had).

Kakashi, apparently, was a fast learner.

He also came when he was called.

All and all, life was pretty good.

Though, he could do without the new fan club in town that liked to follow him around, but he figured one couldn’t have everything. Especially after the Hokage yelled at him for putting over half of the fan club in the mental ward of the hospital—something about inappropriate uses of garlic and electricity and clowns and how it was unfitting behaviours for a man of his rank and status and position.

Since Iruka had recently got one elder to leave Tsunade’s alcohol alone, she was far more lenient then she normally would have been.

He could also do without the new _Icha Icha_ movie, as well. Women had sighed and given him dreamy eyes for weeks after the damn thing had been released and men had treated him with a lot more—

Iruka blinked. A handful of flowers were suddenly in front of him.

He looked up. Kakashi grinned at him a one-eyed grin and waved the flowers at him. “Yo.”

“What’s this?” Iruka put down his pen.

“I got you flowers!”

Iruka twitched slightly. “ _Why_ did you get me flowers?”

Kakashi looked at the bouquet. “Because I like you and I’m highly attracted to you and that’s the thing to do?” As Iruka started to swell up in to punch him, he waved them in the chunin’s face. “And because I thought you’d like it better if I didn’t write you a letter where children could get at it and this seemed a little bit more subtle!”

Brown eyes narrowed in suspicion. “What do you mean?”

“I researched their meanings!” Kakashi looked proud of himself. “So I could give you a message without little brats reading it.”

“Right…” Iruka gave the flowers a wary look, but took them slowly. “So what does this mean?”

Kakashi made a disapproving noise. “You have to read it in order.” He pointed to the first flower. “Sweet alyssum means worth that goes beyond beauty and clematis”—he touched a purple flower—“means mental beauty. Peach is for your qualities and charm are unequalled.”

“How many times do I have to tell you that flattery will get you nowhere?”

“Probably at least one more time,” Kakashi pointed to the next flower. “Cape jasmine means that I’m too happy and fleur-de-lis is for I burn.”

Iruka rolled his eyes. “Oh for the love of—”

“Christmas rose means ‘tranquilise my anxiety’,” Kakashi said in a much lower voice than before and he suddenly was much closer. “Mezereon tells you that there is a desire to please and the everlasting pea says lasting pleasure.” Iruka shudder slightly, not looking away from the intense blue eye. “Jonquil says that I desire a return of affection and the four-leafed clover asks if you’ll be mine.”

“You’re a pervert.” Iruka muttered, slowly looping his arm over Kakashi’s neck. It wasn’t a bad idea, per se. It _had_ been over seven hours…

The silver-haired man leered and tugged Iruka to his feet. “What can I say? You bring out the best in me.” His kissed the brown throat through his mask.

“Kakashi?” Iruka managed to get out a few moments later.

“Hmm?”

“Where did you find all those meanings from the flowers?”

“Oh, Ino-kun told me.”

Iruka went deathly still. “You asked Ino-kun. You asked a _teenaged girl_ who loves to _gossip_ to help you make a bouquet with a _dirty message_ in it.”

“Mm, she was giggly, but overall very helpful.”

“Kakashi?”

“Hmm?” The jounin squeezed his butt eagerly.

“You have precisely five seconds to start running before I _kill_ you.”

_x Fin x_


End file.
